Don’t Let The Current Financial Crisis
Become A Marriage Crisis!

Top Ten Strategies

For years, the number one issue couples fight about is money. It is the number one reported reason for divorces. Now, we are in the most severe financial turndown since the Great Depression. The stress on a marriage is even greater!

We are about to see a huge number of marriages fail or falter due to the extra stress of the financial situation. Don’t let that happen to you! 

“Money often costs too much.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Follow these strategies to keep the crisis from destroying your relationship.

1. Accept that money is not the issue. It is a symptom! The real issue of money, how much or how little a couple has, is rarely the real issue. Money works as a barometer of power in the relationship. And power eats away at the foundation of the marriage. 

People use money to fight over power, and that is when a couple finds themselves stuck in a tug-of-war, unnecessarily.

When you find yourself fighting about money, step back and ask whether it is really about the money or about power and control.

2. Understand that money is, by nature, symbolic. Think about all the symbols embedded on a coin or a dollar. Money is tied into deep levels of our psychology that is captured by symbolism. Credit card and gift card companies know this. When you aren’t using bills and coins, you act differently. You are insulated from some of the power of the symbol. . . until the bill comes or you realize you bought even more than the gift card allowed.

Money is symbolic of so many things. But two deeply held pieces is that of freedom and security. Freedom refers to what you can do with your money (trips, clothes, cars, etc.). Security refers to how money can help you later (retirement, college, etc.). 

These two symbols probably cause more tension between couples than any other. The reason is because we do not share the same attitudes on either issue. What is freedom for one is frivolous to another. What is security to one is overly-cautious to another.

What is happening now, with the financial downturn, is the rug has been pulled out from beneath all of us. We can no longer avoid our freedom and security anxieties with money. There is not enough excess to experience freedom, and there is not enough to experience security.

This leads to anxiety -- and that anxiety is particularly true for couples. The antidote is being aware of the symbolic nature of money and then watching our anxiety to see if it is tied into this. Do you fall more into the “money as freedom” or “money as security” camp? How about your spouse? Do you agree on what fits into each category?

3. Realize that this is not permanent. It is the nature of economics for cycles to happen. In fact, they are unavoidable. But when we forget this, we act as if whatever is the current state is permanent. In up-cycles, we act as if the good times will always be there. We spend like our income will always be there. We forget to save.

And when there is a down-cycle, we act as if this will be true forever. We become anxious and worrisome, but we don’t have the resources to fix our mistakes from the up-cycle. There is no money to save, leading to even more anxiety.

Remind yourself that there will be better days. Things will improve. Remembering that sometimes helps us to wait it out.

4. Spend money to strengthen the marriage. If you can’t invest in anything else right now, invest in your marriage! Buy a book on marriage. Set up a date night. Remember to remember each other.

The average cost of a divorce in America is $20,000. And the $20,000 doesn’t include the impact of divorce on long-term resources and income. It doesn’t begin to estimate the cost of two households and all the other expenses associated with divorce . That pays for lots of date nights and little gifts!

Maybe you have to scale back because of the financial crisis. Perhaps you are used to taking trips, or eating at nice restaurants. That may need to change. But there are plenty of ways to be together, to spend time connecting. Often, people have to get their egos out of the way to take advantage of the options. And we have to remember how to be creative. We use money as a shortcut to thinking.

Investing in the marriage may seem like too much extravagance. But it is likely much cheaper than ending a marriage that has long been ignored.

5. If you are in debt, get out of debt. The stress of debt leaves us few resources for relating in healthy ways. In fact, brain research shows that the stress from money keeps us stuck in very primitive survival modes. It activates the threat centers in our brain. When that happens, we cease to see opportunity, only scarcity.

As that process continues, we gain weight from excess adrenaline in our system, our blood pressure goes up, and our body breaks down. Even apart from the marriage, we pay a huge toll for debt. Often, we trade our health for living beyond our means.

And in a marriage, the anxiety comes out in aggressive or avoidant behavior. We find ourselves having unnecessary arguments over irrelevant issues. We stop talking and start arguing. 

Find help in getting out of debt, then work toward that goal.

6. Use money for development, not for stuff. Social psychologists like to talk about “habituation,” a term for the fact that we tend to get used to whatever is constantly around us. We adapt to the current situation. On the upside, that means that humans are extremely adaptable and capable of dealing with a wide range of situations.

On the downside, we constantly fall into the trap of thinking that something will make us feel happy. We see a new car and are convinced that would make us happy. A few months later, it is just another bill to be covered. That is true with clothing, furnishings, toys, etc. Once we have the item, it quickly loses its capacity for raising our enjoyment level.

But when we focus on development, personal and relational, we end up with tools from which we can build happiness. 

Lifelong learners tend to be the people who thrive in the world. Make it your task to keep that yearning for learning alive in your life. Develop hobbies (but remember, the “stuff” of hobbies applies to what we have already said), read areas of interest, take seminars, attend classes. Find some way to invest in your personal and relational self.

7. Refuse to “catch” the anxiety. This financial crisis is as much about perceptions and attitudes as the upturn was. The house you live in may be worth less than it was yesterday, but it is still the same house!

I talked to a friend the other day. She finally took a look at her retirement portfolio and found herself anxious about seeing the balance drop by 40%. She is over 20 years away from retirement. I asked if she was going to do anything. She said “no.”

I noted that everything is just fiction until we make it a fact. Stock portfolios have not lost money until we sell them. And the companies that made sense to invest in before probably still make sense.

The financial crisis is psychological that is becoming actual. People feel that things are not going well, so they don’t spend money, buy homes, etc. This leads to a crisis for companies that had overextended. When their cash flow stops, they start letting workers go, which leads to reduced spending, leading to not enough cash to keep the system moving. At that point, the crisis has become real.

At this point, the real question is not whether we can “ignore” our way through the crisis, but can we not get caught up in every fluctuation of the market? Can we find a way to keep our anxiety in realistic terms? This will pass, as has every downturn.

If you find yourself “ticker-watching,” staring at the stock ticker tape at the bottom of the news, or anxiously checking in on fluctuations in the market on a daily basis, but you aren’t doing anything about the news you are receiving, you have fallen prey to this anxiety.

Sure, there will be some companies that close their doors. But let us not forget that this is the process for a capitalistic economy. It is inevitable for some to win and some to lose. And yet, we will continue moving forward.

8. Talk about it. When our anxiety is high, we often find ourselves doing one of two things: putting our head in the sand (a “flight” strategy) or ruminating over it, talking incessantly about the impossibility of the situation (a “fight” strategy). 

The real task is to keep perspective, and to talk about solutions. It is fine to express concern and anxiety to a spouse. In fact, that is one way we deepen our connection. The problem comes when it is only in “problem-talk,” going over the issues repeatedly, really with the sole purpose of talking about it.

“Solution-talk” can start with what is wrong, but then moves to what might be done.  Do you need to cut back on expenditures? Does someone need to work more, start working, get a second job, start a sideline business, etc.? Is it time to meet with an advisor, start a budget, downsize? That is solution-talk, finding a solution by talking with your spouse. Two heads really are better than one, as long as both are seeking solution.

9. Keep your eyes on the goal: staying together. When we are stripped of our external “stuff,” we arrive at this point: life is about loving and being loved. The goal of marriage is, first and foremost, to stay together. That doesn’t mean people stay in abusive relationships. But it does mean that people place a premium on the commitment made in a marriage. Most ceremonies do have that vow, “for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer.”

The majority of couples that stick out the tough times report a high level of satisfaction with the relationship. In fact, making it through the tough times is what strengthens a relationship. When things are easy, relating is easy. When things get tough, we show our true mettle. If both of the people stay focused on being together, things will fall into place. 

10. See the opportunity in the midst of the crisis. In every crisis, there is an opportunity. In fact, it has been said that the Chinese symbol for crisis is created by the symbols for “opportunity” and “danger.” Not being a linguist, I cannot confirm this, but I certainly believe it to be a truth.

In this case, the financial crisis may be bringing us back to root values, to what is really important. When we are stripped of all the material trappings, we have to reflect on what is really important. The opportunity for that is now.

Some couples will come out of the financial crisis divorced and in ruins. Others will emerge all the stronger for the struggle.  Only a few will emerge untouched. I’d suggest choosing the path of coming out stronger!

A final note: in the past, people found that they had confused their identity with their job. When that happened, a job loss meant an identity loss. The same is turning out to be true about money. People have confused their identity with their income level. 

We are so much more than the money we earn or the job we have. Problem is, when we forget that, our ego gets bruised, we become defensive, and it is hard to relate to our loved ones. 

If nothing else, this financial crisis may require us to get back to, and understand what we are really about: character, relationships, and charity.

Still need help getting your marriage on track? Go grab my Save The Marriage Ebook! There is an entire chapter devoted to money and its impact on marriage.  More importantly, I cover how to deal with money issues in constructive ways.

Don’t let the financial crisis become a marriage crisis!

Media Contact: Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
http://www.SaveTheMarriage.com
[email protected]
502-802-4823