Wednesday, August 19, 2009
"How Dare You Tell Me To Save My Marriage!"
. . . that was the opening line from an email I just received. The writer was clearly angry, feeling that I was pressuring her into saving her marriage.
So let me be clear, I DO NOT pressure people into trying to save their marriages. Obviously, I do think that marriages should be saved, but I leave the decision to do that with the couple. I am not on some crusade to save every marriage. I am, however, available to help people who want to save their marriages.
There are some who simply believe marriage is a bygone relic of past days. Those folks tend to be people justifying their behavior. Marriage has withstood the test of time as a way of 1) raising a family, 2) finding intimacy, 3) growing and developing, and 4) finding happiness and meaning. Not every marriage makes it that far, but the potential is there.
Should every marriage be saved? No, I am quite clear that I do not think people in abusive relationships should save their marriage. That said, the choice to discard a marriage seems to be taken very lightly these days. It is as if there are no consequences.
Yet study after study shows that children are negatively impacted by divorce. Earlier studies showing differently have been disproven.
The emotional toll on the couple is huge. In time, people do recover, but not without time and effort. That same time and effort would likely have yielded a happy marriage. Funny how that works out!
Financially, a divorce can be devastating. The average cost of divorce in the United States? $20,000. That is the average. Saving a marriage? Almost free!
Oh, and that doesn't factor in the loss of equity in real estate, worth of retirement funds, loss of savings, child support, maintenance, and lots of other costs that people seem to lose sight of on the way out the door.
Do I force people to save their marriages? Absolutely not! Do I think MANY marriages that end could be saved? Absolutely!
Again, it is a couple's choice on whether to work to save a marriage. I just know that when people are in pain, we become short-sighted and take what we think is the most direct approach to getting rid of the pain. Unfortunately, it often gets us to chase the wrong target.
If you want to know how to save your marriage, count me in. If you'd rather not, I wish you well.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
So let me be clear, I DO NOT pressure people into trying to save their marriages. Obviously, I do think that marriages should be saved, but I leave the decision to do that with the couple. I am not on some crusade to save every marriage. I am, however, available to help people who want to save their marriages.
There are some who simply believe marriage is a bygone relic of past days. Those folks tend to be people justifying their behavior. Marriage has withstood the test of time as a way of 1) raising a family, 2) finding intimacy, 3) growing and developing, and 4) finding happiness and meaning. Not every marriage makes it that far, but the potential is there.
Should every marriage be saved? No, I am quite clear that I do not think people in abusive relationships should save their marriage. That said, the choice to discard a marriage seems to be taken very lightly these days. It is as if there are no consequences.
Yet study after study shows that children are negatively impacted by divorce. Earlier studies showing differently have been disproven.
The emotional toll on the couple is huge. In time, people do recover, but not without time and effort. That same time and effort would likely have yielded a happy marriage. Funny how that works out!
Financially, a divorce can be devastating. The average cost of divorce in the United States? $20,000. That is the average. Saving a marriage? Almost free!
Oh, and that doesn't factor in the loss of equity in real estate, worth of retirement funds, loss of savings, child support, maintenance, and lots of other costs that people seem to lose sight of on the way out the door.
Do I force people to save their marriages? Absolutely not! Do I think MANY marriages that end could be saved? Absolutely!
Again, it is a couple's choice on whether to work to save a marriage. I just know that when people are in pain, we become short-sighted and take what we think is the most direct approach to getting rid of the pain. Unfortunately, it often gets us to chase the wrong target.
If you want to know how to save your marriage, count me in. If you'd rather not, I wish you well.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: advice, divorce, help saving marriage, I can't save marriage, internet marriage advice, it's not my fault, marital advice, marital help, marriage advice, save marriage, save my marriage
Friday, June 19, 2009
Four "You's" Could Save Your Marriage
Just a couple weeks ago, one of my clients gave me a bit of business advice that's been directly applicable to saving a marriage. I wanted to share it with you.
My client, who is a businessperson, was telling me that there are four important "you's" that are crucial for a business. They are crucial for any relationship. And they can be used in your marriage, starting today.
Here are the four "you's:"
1. "How are you?"
2. "What can I do for you?"
3. "Thank you."
4. "I appreciate/love you."
Those are the crucial four "you's." Do you see the power in them? Do you see how you could use them in your marriage? Do you see how those are not happening in your relationship?
What would happen, if you don't already do this, to have a conversation in the evening about how your spouse is doing? I don't mean the quick "how are you?" I mean really wondering how your spouse is doing. I mean sitting on the back porch and asking how your spouse is really doing. How often does this happen for you? If you're like most people, especially with troubled relationship, that conversation did not happen.
Or, what about asking what you can do for your spouse? Oftentimes, when relationships get into trouble, couples instinctively stop doing for each other. In good times, you may ask about what your spouse might like, what you could do for him or her. But when things get tough, the question often falls by the wayside. We start thinking "if you don't do for me, I won't do for you."
Yet that is exactly what might get the relationship moving forward. When one spouse makes some forward motion toward the other spouse, often he or she responds in a similar manner. It might not happen the first time, but that does not mean you don't do it again. In fact, you keep doing this one. As long as it takes!
Or how about. "Thank you?" Again, when the relationship is not well, this is something that we often stop saying. In fact, we stop even noticing that our spouse is doing doing anything for us. That only compounds the problem. When we stop noticing, people stop acting. So, in addition to doing for your spouse, look for what your spouse is doing for you. Then thank him or her.
The final "you" is about letting your spouse know that you appreciate him or her. You may not be ready to use the word "love" at this point, but can you let your spouse know what you appreciate about him or her? When marriages get into trouble, one thing that happens is that we feel completely unappreciated. We start acting in ways that continue that. In other words, if I don't feel appreciated, don't do anything to be appreciated. So, this one is letting someone know that they are appreciated.
By letting someone know this, the other person might begin to act in more appreciative and appreciable ways. At the very least, he or she will know that you are noticing what he or she is doing.
Many marriages could be saved simply if the other person felt appreciated and loved. The four questions can easily move you in that direction. Make it your habit to use these questions.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
My client, who is a businessperson, was telling me that there are four important "you's" that are crucial for a business. They are crucial for any relationship. And they can be used in your marriage, starting today.
Here are the four "you's:"
1. "How are you?"
2. "What can I do for you?"
3. "Thank you."
4. "I appreciate/love you."
Those are the crucial four "you's." Do you see the power in them? Do you see how you could use them in your marriage? Do you see how those are not happening in your relationship?
What would happen, if you don't already do this, to have a conversation in the evening about how your spouse is doing? I don't mean the quick "how are you?" I mean really wondering how your spouse is doing. I mean sitting on the back porch and asking how your spouse is really doing. How often does this happen for you? If you're like most people, especially with troubled relationship, that conversation did not happen.
Or, what about asking what you can do for your spouse? Oftentimes, when relationships get into trouble, couples instinctively stop doing for each other. In good times, you may ask about what your spouse might like, what you could do for him or her. But when things get tough, the question often falls by the wayside. We start thinking "if you don't do for me, I won't do for you."
Yet that is exactly what might get the relationship moving forward. When one spouse makes some forward motion toward the other spouse, often he or she responds in a similar manner. It might not happen the first time, but that does not mean you don't do it again. In fact, you keep doing this one. As long as it takes!
Or how about. "Thank you?" Again, when the relationship is not well, this is something that we often stop saying. In fact, we stop even noticing that our spouse is doing doing anything for us. That only compounds the problem. When we stop noticing, people stop acting. So, in addition to doing for your spouse, look for what your spouse is doing for you. Then thank him or her.
The final "you" is about letting your spouse know that you appreciate him or her. You may not be ready to use the word "love" at this point, but can you let your spouse know what you appreciate about him or her? When marriages get into trouble, one thing that happens is that we feel completely unappreciated. We start acting in ways that continue that. In other words, if I don't feel appreciated, don't do anything to be appreciated. So, this one is letting someone know that they are appreciated.
By letting someone know this, the other person might begin to act in more appreciative and appreciable ways. At the very least, he or she will know that you are noticing what he or she is doing.
Many marriages could be saved simply if the other person felt appreciated and loved. The four questions can easily move you in that direction. Make it your habit to use these questions.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: acceptance, advice, communication, free marriage advice, help saving marriage, I can't save marriage, improve marriage, marriage advice, what makes a marriage last
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Stop Reviving, Start Thriving: The Video
So, this is the place to let me know what you think about the video! Any suggestions, disagreements, kudos? Just comment!
If you haven't seen the video, you can do so by CLICKING HERE!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
If you haven't seen the video, you can do so by CLICKING HERE!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: I can't save marriage, paradigm, save marriage, save my marriage
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Top 10 Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage!
Here is my Top 10 Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage! This is a partial list of the mistakes I see people make when they want to save their marriage. Sometimes, it is best to learn from others' mistakes, rather than make it yourself.
10) Do nothing! Don't worry, the crisis (problem, situation, incident, threat, etc.) will pass!
Ah, the old "bury your head in the sand approach!" The reality is, it is very unlikely that the crisis will simply pass. Let's be honest: over time, this strategy builds up more and more resentment, then finally, everything falls apart. You can act surprised at that point, but you will know, deep down inside, that you ignored things way too long.
It is a cumulative effect, a marriage crisis. Rarely is there one "precipitating event" that suddenly ends the marriage. Instead, it is the problem ignored that adds to all the other problems ignored, which finally creates so much frustration that the "house of cards" falls.
So, the first useless strategy, just do nothing!
9) Refuse to get any outside help. Who needs it? You can do this yourself!
When you are in the middle of a marriage crisis, it is not time to "figure it out!" One of my favorite quotes is from Albert Einstein, "the same level of thinking that created the problem will not solve the problem." In other words, when we only use the thought processes that led us into trouble, we will not find a way out of the problem.
We all get stuck in our thought patterns. Once we establish them, we don't change much. Think about it: don't all of your spousal arguments basically follow the same pattern. Doesn't your daily routine pretty much go the same? We like "sameness," and change is a bit of a threat. Even the painful sameness is better than the unknown -- at least that's what we tend to believe.
Problem is, we find ourselves stuck, and without outside help and information, nothing will change, even if you want it to.
8) Grab some "free advice!" Hey, free is good, right?
Almost always, free advice is worth about that -- nothing! When you are injured, do you seek out some "free advice" on that injury? Or when you need some legal advice, do you just get some "free advice?"
So why, when your most important relationship is on the line, would you just try to use some free advice? Look, we live in a "transaction society." We make trades and transactions to get what we don't have. And knowledge is no different. People who give away advice are rarely giving away anything worthwhile.
The real question, if free is your goal, is how much do you REALLY treasure your relationship? If I told you how to save $20,000 instantly, would you pay for it? Well, that is the minimal cash value of your failed marriage. In other words, a divorce in the U.S. averages $20K. Save your marriage, save $20K.
And what about having a wonderful, loving, peaceful marriage? What is the worth of that? Really, what price would you put on that? I ask because I know of plenty of people who think nothing of grabbing a $4 coffee drink every day, a couple of $3 packs of cigarettes every day, a $30 bottle of wine on the weekend, subscribe to a $100 cable system, blah, blah, blah. Then, when they go looking for advice to save their marriage, want to find some free advice.
It is always about value, and the value you place on your marriage. Free advice? Probably more costly than you can ever realize in the long run.
7) Get some good books, then leave them on the bookstand. Maybe your spouse will at least think you are doing something!
We authors don't like to admit this, but statistics show that upwards of 80% of self-help books that are bought are never read. Imagine that! The answer may be right there! You took the time to get a resource, either because the cover looked nice, somebody recommended it, or because you were desperate.
Then, onto the bedside stand it goes, underneath the magazines, the daily paper, that good novel. . . then suddenly, it is lost.
The very bit of information that could save your marriage, stuck at the bottom of a stack, never to be read. Sound familiar? If so, time to dust off the information and give it a read! At least give it a chance. You've already invested your money in it. Why not give it a test drive?
6) Read the information, but then don't do anything! It won't work in your situation, anyway!
OK, so you dusted off that information, and even read it. . . but then you took no action! Maybe the information seemed impossible, far-fetched, too easy, too complicated, or just dead wrong! Now you do need to use your better judgement, but perhaps it is worth a try!
What you've been doing has clearly not gotten the results you wanted. So, perhaps it is time to try something new. Sometimes, new thinking seems foreign, unnatural. But it is really like anything new: repetition builds skill. What seems awkward begins to feel more natural. Suddenly, what seemed impossible seems elementary.
Again, remember Einstein's quote. Doing what you've done hasn't gotten you what you want. What's the risk of trying something different?
5) Get bad information from unqualified sources. Hey, any information is better than no information. . . right?
As you have already discovered, there are lots of "experts" willing to make a buck, er, tell you how to save your marriage. Be sure your "expert" is really just that. At a minimum, make sure they actually have some training, not just their own experience! They don't have to have a Ph.D., but if they can't tell you about their training, other than "been there, done that," move on!
Experts are experts because they have worked in the field, received training, and have some ideas on how to help you. The others are experts in marketing. Be sure and distinguish between the two.
Remember way back when the barbers who cut hair were also the "doctors?" They weren't trained, caused lots of damage, but that was the only choice. Well, we don't live in the "wild West" anymore, and there are plenty of real experts. Get their advice and avoid the damage of well-meaning but ill-equiped "experts."
4) Do everything at once! Hey, if a little is good, a lot is better. . . right?
Wrong! Many marriages have suffered from neglect for too long, until one day someone wakes up and says "enough." Then the other person jumps into high gear! They try to make "date nights," meaningful conversations, do the housework, get another job. . . just about anything to make it work!
Instead, pick a couple of things. Be consistent with them, and try a slow approach. Building from zero takes some time. But if you try the "everything at once" approach, you will scare your spouse away.
3) Argue, beg, plead, and show your emotions. Surely your spouse will see your sincerity to save the marriage!
This is a very common situation. You see, we all are master "scriptwriters," often ready for Hollywood. . . at least in our minds! We assume a spouse will see the wisdom of our logic, emotions, begging and pleading. Problem is, they are working off a different script.
If I throw someone a rope and when they grab it, I start pulling, their reflex is to pull back, matching power with power. It is no different in verbal tug-of-war. The harder I try to convince someone of something counter to what they have said, the reflex for that person to become even more entrenched in the belief.
So the arguing, "reasoning," begging and pleading have the opposite effect and actually hasten the dissolution of the relationship.
2) Let your spouse know your theory about how this is really about their "issue." Then they will see how unhealthy they are!
Here is how to throw even more gas on the fire: when your spouse says he or she wants to leave, point out how it is a) their midlife crisis, b) they are never satisfied, c) really about their dysfunctional family, c) some other diagnosis you read about or saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.
You may be dead-on! Problem is, you are not going to be seen as an objective provider of a diagnosis. Instead, you will only be strengthening the sense of frustration that your spouse is feeling. Diagnosis is best done, if at all, by an impartial, outside expert or by one's self.
1) Try to prove how much you need them! Surely, just seeing they are needed will get them to stay!
Neediness is never attractive, and when someone wants to leave, feeling the neediness only throws fuel on the fire. People want to be wanted, but not desperately needed! And in the midst of a crisis, the last thing someone wants is to feel manipulated.
I've seen people threaten to kill themselves to prove how much they need the other person. I have seen people refuse to pay bills, eat, take care of the kids, take care of the house, etc., etc., etc. And in every case, the person who wants out says "see?" It's hard to argue with that. Being needy is never attractive, and is even more so when someone wants nothing more than to not be needed.
Well, that is MY top ten list of how NOT to save a marriage while trying to save it. I could go on for many more. I think I have seen every mistake possible.
My hope is not that you become discouraged, but that you think through what you are doing and how you are doing it as you try to save your marriage. There is little more noble or heroic in today's society than trying to hold a relationship together. I just want to stress the need to do so in helpful, not harmful ways.
So, what are your list? In other words, what mistakes have you made in your efforts to save your marriage?
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
10) Do nothing! Don't worry, the crisis (problem, situation, incident, threat, etc.) will pass!
Ah, the old "bury your head in the sand approach!" The reality is, it is very unlikely that the crisis will simply pass. Let's be honest: over time, this strategy builds up more and more resentment, then finally, everything falls apart. You can act surprised at that point, but you will know, deep down inside, that you ignored things way too long.
It is a cumulative effect, a marriage crisis. Rarely is there one "precipitating event" that suddenly ends the marriage. Instead, it is the problem ignored that adds to all the other problems ignored, which finally creates so much frustration that the "house of cards" falls.
So, the first useless strategy, just do nothing!
9) Refuse to get any outside help. Who needs it? You can do this yourself!
When you are in the middle of a marriage crisis, it is not time to "figure it out!" One of my favorite quotes is from Albert Einstein, "the same level of thinking that created the problem will not solve the problem." In other words, when we only use the thought processes that led us into trouble, we will not find a way out of the problem.
We all get stuck in our thought patterns. Once we establish them, we don't change much. Think about it: don't all of your spousal arguments basically follow the same pattern. Doesn't your daily routine pretty much go the same? We like "sameness," and change is a bit of a threat. Even the painful sameness is better than the unknown -- at least that's what we tend to believe.
Problem is, we find ourselves stuck, and without outside help and information, nothing will change, even if you want it to.
8) Grab some "free advice!" Hey, free is good, right?
Almost always, free advice is worth about that -- nothing! When you are injured, do you seek out some "free advice" on that injury? Or when you need some legal advice, do you just get some "free advice?"
So why, when your most important relationship is on the line, would you just try to use some free advice? Look, we live in a "transaction society." We make trades and transactions to get what we don't have. And knowledge is no different. People who give away advice are rarely giving away anything worthwhile.
The real question, if free is your goal, is how much do you REALLY treasure your relationship? If I told you how to save $20,000 instantly, would you pay for it? Well, that is the minimal cash value of your failed marriage. In other words, a divorce in the U.S. averages $20K. Save your marriage, save $20K.
And what about having a wonderful, loving, peaceful marriage? What is the worth of that? Really, what price would you put on that? I ask because I know of plenty of people who think nothing of grabbing a $4 coffee drink every day, a couple of $3 packs of cigarettes every day, a $30 bottle of wine on the weekend, subscribe to a $100 cable system, blah, blah, blah. Then, when they go looking for advice to save their marriage, want to find some free advice.
It is always about value, and the value you place on your marriage. Free advice? Probably more costly than you can ever realize in the long run.
7) Get some good books, then leave them on the bookstand. Maybe your spouse will at least think you are doing something!
We authors don't like to admit this, but statistics show that upwards of 80% of self-help books that are bought are never read. Imagine that! The answer may be right there! You took the time to get a resource, either because the cover looked nice, somebody recommended it, or because you were desperate.
Then, onto the bedside stand it goes, underneath the magazines, the daily paper, that good novel. . . then suddenly, it is lost.
The very bit of information that could save your marriage, stuck at the bottom of a stack, never to be read. Sound familiar? If so, time to dust off the information and give it a read! At least give it a chance. You've already invested your money in it. Why not give it a test drive?
6) Read the information, but then don't do anything! It won't work in your situation, anyway!
OK, so you dusted off that information, and even read it. . . but then you took no action! Maybe the information seemed impossible, far-fetched, too easy, too complicated, or just dead wrong! Now you do need to use your better judgement, but perhaps it is worth a try!
What you've been doing has clearly not gotten the results you wanted. So, perhaps it is time to try something new. Sometimes, new thinking seems foreign, unnatural. But it is really like anything new: repetition builds skill. What seems awkward begins to feel more natural. Suddenly, what seemed impossible seems elementary.
Again, remember Einstein's quote. Doing what you've done hasn't gotten you what you want. What's the risk of trying something different?
5) Get bad information from unqualified sources. Hey, any information is better than no information. . . right?
As you have already discovered, there are lots of "experts" willing to make a buck, er, tell you how to save your marriage. Be sure your "expert" is really just that. At a minimum, make sure they actually have some training, not just their own experience! They don't have to have a Ph.D., but if they can't tell you about their training, other than "been there, done that," move on!
Experts are experts because they have worked in the field, received training, and have some ideas on how to help you. The others are experts in marketing. Be sure and distinguish between the two.
Remember way back when the barbers who cut hair were also the "doctors?" They weren't trained, caused lots of damage, but that was the only choice. Well, we don't live in the "wild West" anymore, and there are plenty of real experts. Get their advice and avoid the damage of well-meaning but ill-equiped "experts."
4) Do everything at once! Hey, if a little is good, a lot is better. . . right?
Wrong! Many marriages have suffered from neglect for too long, until one day someone wakes up and says "enough." Then the other person jumps into high gear! They try to make "date nights," meaningful conversations, do the housework, get another job. . . just about anything to make it work!
Instead, pick a couple of things. Be consistent with them, and try a slow approach. Building from zero takes some time. But if you try the "everything at once" approach, you will scare your spouse away.
3) Argue, beg, plead, and show your emotions. Surely your spouse will see your sincerity to save the marriage!
This is a very common situation. You see, we all are master "scriptwriters," often ready for Hollywood. . . at least in our minds! We assume a spouse will see the wisdom of our logic, emotions, begging and pleading. Problem is, they are working off a different script.
If I throw someone a rope and when they grab it, I start pulling, their reflex is to pull back, matching power with power. It is no different in verbal tug-of-war. The harder I try to convince someone of something counter to what they have said, the reflex for that person to become even more entrenched in the belief.
So the arguing, "reasoning," begging and pleading have the opposite effect and actually hasten the dissolution of the relationship.
2) Let your spouse know your theory about how this is really about their "issue." Then they will see how unhealthy they are!
Here is how to throw even more gas on the fire: when your spouse says he or she wants to leave, point out how it is a) their midlife crisis, b) they are never satisfied, c) really about their dysfunctional family, c) some other diagnosis you read about or saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.
You may be dead-on! Problem is, you are not going to be seen as an objective provider of a diagnosis. Instead, you will only be strengthening the sense of frustration that your spouse is feeling. Diagnosis is best done, if at all, by an impartial, outside expert or by one's self.
1) Try to prove how much you need them! Surely, just seeing they are needed will get them to stay!
Neediness is never attractive, and when someone wants to leave, feeling the neediness only throws fuel on the fire. People want to be wanted, but not desperately needed! And in the midst of a crisis, the last thing someone wants is to feel manipulated.
I've seen people threaten to kill themselves to prove how much they need the other person. I have seen people refuse to pay bills, eat, take care of the kids, take care of the house, etc., etc., etc. And in every case, the person who wants out says "see?" It's hard to argue with that. Being needy is never attractive, and is even more so when someone wants nothing more than to not be needed.
Well, that is MY top ten list of how NOT to save a marriage while trying to save it. I could go on for many more. I think I have seen every mistake possible.
My hope is not that you become discouraged, but that you think through what you are doing and how you are doing it as you try to save your marriage. There is little more noble or heroic in today's society than trying to hold a relationship together. I just want to stress the need to do so in helpful, not harmful ways.
So, what are your list? In other words, what mistakes have you made in your efforts to save your marriage?
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: bad marriage advice, free marriage advice, help saving marriage, I can't save marriage, marriage advice, mistakes saving marriage
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
New Year's Resolutions For Your Marriage
I remember when I was back in school. At the end of each semester, I was so tired of that class, and just ready to move on. During college, it probably had something to do with being ready to leave behind the classes where I had maxed out my skips!In any event, it was always nice to have a fresh start. I think that really is why we like New Year's Day. It marks the start of something fresh.
And something fresh only becomes something useful when we are intentional. So, every year, I make a few resolutions. Not too many. Then, they don't fall away. And I really try to keep them.
You are probably familiar with those resolutions that people make, then let fall away within a couple of weeks. The gyms are full on the 2nd, and empty by the 20th. My secret: I make sure I can see them everyday. I post them for myself to see, and remind myself of them.
This year, my resolutions are:
5) Focus on being more grateful.
4) Express that gratitude.
3) Avoid surrounding myself with negativity.
2) So that I can be more positive.
. . . and my biggy:
1) Finish my book on thriving!
Now, how about you? Specifically, what are your resolutions about your marriage? How will YOU be different du
ring the next year to improve your marriage?This is what I really like about resolutions -- they can't be about what someone else should do. And that is what we often get into when we think about marriage. We think about how our spouse ought to be different. A resolution puts it back into YOUR court! How will YOU be different?
Remember me back in school? I didn't make it a fresh start by leaving school. I just made it a fresh start by taking another class, opening another chapter in life. I still had to deal with my grade-point average, so it was not just leaving everything behind. It was just a new start.
It is the same with your marriage resolution. Don't think that your resolution is a fresh start without the marriage, without a past. Instead, make a mark in the sand. Decide you will move forward and leave what has happened behind. Move forward.
Some hints about your resolution:
- Be specific.
- Figure out how you will measure it.
- Make sure it is about you.
- Put it somewhere you will see it EVERY DAY!
- Stick to it. Make it a habit.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: I can't save marriage, improve marriage, marriage resolution, new years, new years resolutions, resolutions
Monday, February 11, 2008
Excuse #4: "It's Not My Fault!"
I have heard that one over and over: "It's not my fault!" There are two subtexts to this:
1: "Since I am innocent, why should I have to do something?"
2: "Since I didn't cause it, what can I do?"
Let's say your house is on fire. Perhaps you didn't cause the fire, but do you stand there and say, "this isn't my fault" while the building burns around you, or do you take responsibility to get yourself and any others you can out of harms way?
While that one seems obvious, that is basically the issue at hand: we do not have to be at fault to take responsibility! In fact, those who study resilience (how people bounce back after challenges and crises), have found that this is one of the central issues that determines a person's resilience. Can we take responsibility for making situations change without having to take the blame?
In fact, I would go so far as to say that blame should be dropped as an issue in marriage. Blame is always looking backward. Marriages recovering is about moving forward. To say it more simply, blame = backward, stuck, failure; responsibility = forward, progress, success.
And to apply the "burning house" metaphor further, why do you have to take action? Because the house is on fire! There are no options but to take action.
But to continue pushing against this excuse, I have yet to find a couple where one or the other was entirely blameless. We all act in ways that are not optimal. We all do things that hurt those we love. We all find ourselves responding in ways that surprise and sadden us.
In other words, we all have something we can work on. At times, the situation is this: we have worked to hard to make the relationship work that we are no longer being true to ourselves. Then, our task is to get back to the place where we are healthy. If we do that, we are taking responsibility for our own lives. We are able to make healthy changes in our lives that will likely lead to healthier places in our marriages.
"It's not my fault" is only an excuse to keep from taking responsibility. Don't fall for it.
Ready to take responsibility? Grab my ebook and get started!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
1: "Since I am innocent, why should I have to do something?"
2: "Since I didn't cause it, what can I do?"
Let's say your house is on fire. Perhaps you didn't cause the fire, but do you stand there and say, "this isn't my fault" while the building burns around you, or do you take responsibility to get yourself and any others you can out of harms way?
While that one seems obvious, that is basically the issue at hand: we do not have to be at fault to take responsibility! In fact, those who study resilience (how people bounce back after challenges and crises), have found that this is one of the central issues that determines a person's resilience. Can we take responsibility for making situations change without having to take the blame?
In fact, I would go so far as to say that blame should be dropped as an issue in marriage. Blame is always looking backward. Marriages recovering is about moving forward. To say it more simply, blame = backward, stuck, failure; responsibility = forward, progress, success.
And to apply the "burning house" metaphor further, why do you have to take action? Because the house is on fire! There are no options but to take action.
But to continue pushing against this excuse, I have yet to find a couple where one or the other was entirely blameless. We all act in ways that are not optimal. We all do things that hurt those we love. We all find ourselves responding in ways that surprise and sadden us.
In other words, we all have something we can work on. At times, the situation is this: we have worked to hard to make the relationship work that we are no longer being true to ourselves. Then, our task is to get back to the place where we are healthy. If we do that, we are taking responsibility for our own lives. We are able to make healthy changes in our lives that will likely lead to healthier places in our marriages.
"It's not my fault" is only an excuse to keep from taking responsibility. Don't fall for it.
Ready to take responsibility? Grab my ebook and get started!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
Labels: change behavior, I can't save marriage, it's not my fault, save marriage
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Excuse #3: "I Can't Do Anything!"
Do you feel hopeless and unable to change the outcome of your relationship? Then excuse #3 may be the thought that is running through your mind: "I want to do something, but there isn't anything I can do."
Henry Ford said "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you are right." In other words, part of the issue is the mindset we enter a problem with. No doubt, you have tried to improve things in the past, and perhaps found no success.
But I would contend that a lack of success in the past does not predict a lack of success in the future. . . unless you just do the same thing you were doing before!
Another quote I love is from Albert Einstein. He wrote: "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." Think about that -- if you are thinking and acting in the same way you were when the relationship was deteriorating, then that thinking is not going to change the outcome. You end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy: same thinking equals failed relationship.
The point of getting outside help is getting a shift in thinking. When you see things differently, then you will have new tools with which to fix the relationship. It is like going into a home project with only a hammer and nails. Sometimes, you need a screwdriver and screws, or maybe even a saw.
Whenever you gain new tools, you gain new capacities for changing. Whenever you discover new understandings, you discover new possibilities for change. I was an amateur magician in my childhood. I remember having bought this really great magic trick at the magic shop. Little did I know that it actually required a bit of sleight-of-hand (I was hoping for the self-working!).
In the car, I discovered I COULD NOT do this trick. But I kept working at it. Then, I suddenly realized what I needed to do. The instructions had been there all along, but in an instant, they made sense! I could suddenly do the magic trick!
Now, I am not suggesting that your marital problems are as simple as a magic trick, but I have been in the field long enough to know that the problems are more basic and simple to solve than most people wish to believe.
Your task is to quit playing the victim excuse, "I can't do anything," in your head, and find some new ways of thinking and some new tools to work on your marriage. I invite you to try my ebook as a way to to this. You can grab it by CLICKING HERE.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
Henry Ford said "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you are right." In other words, part of the issue is the mindset we enter a problem with. No doubt, you have tried to improve things in the past, and perhaps found no success.
But I would contend that a lack of success in the past does not predict a lack of success in the future. . . unless you just do the same thing you were doing before!
Another quote I love is from Albert Einstein. He wrote: "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." Think about that -- if you are thinking and acting in the same way you were when the relationship was deteriorating, then that thinking is not going to change the outcome. You end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy: same thinking equals failed relationship.
The point of getting outside help is getting a shift in thinking. When you see things differently, then you will have new tools with which to fix the relationship. It is like going into a home project with only a hammer and nails. Sometimes, you need a screwdriver and screws, or maybe even a saw.
Whenever you gain new tools, you gain new capacities for changing. Whenever you discover new understandings, you discover new possibilities for change. I was an amateur magician in my childhood. I remember having bought this really great magic trick at the magic shop. Little did I know that it actually required a bit of sleight-of-hand (I was hoping for the self-working!).
In the car, I discovered I COULD NOT do this trick. But I kept working at it. Then, I suddenly realized what I needed to do. The instructions had been there all along, but in an instant, they made sense! I could suddenly do the magic trick!
Now, I am not suggesting that your marital problems are as simple as a magic trick, but I have been in the field long enough to know that the problems are more basic and simple to solve than most people wish to believe.
Your task is to quit playing the victim excuse, "I can't do anything," in your head, and find some new ways of thinking and some new tools to work on your marriage. I invite you to try my ebook as a way to to this. You can grab it by CLICKING HERE.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
Labels: change behavior, communication, I can't save marriage, marital advice, marital help, marriage advice, problems in marriage, save marriage, save your marriage
