Wednesday, August 19, 2009
"How Dare You Tell Me To Save My Marriage!"
. . . that was the opening line from an email I just received. The writer was clearly angry, feeling that I was pressuring her into saving her marriage.
So let me be clear, I DO NOT pressure people into trying to save their marriages. Obviously, I do think that marriages should be saved, but I leave the decision to do that with the couple. I am not on some crusade to save every marriage. I am, however, available to help people who want to save their marriages.
There are some who simply believe marriage is a bygone relic of past days. Those folks tend to be people justifying their behavior. Marriage has withstood the test of time as a way of 1) raising a family, 2) finding intimacy, 3) growing and developing, and 4) finding happiness and meaning. Not every marriage makes it that far, but the potential is there.
Should every marriage be saved? No, I am quite clear that I do not think people in abusive relationships should save their marriage. That said, the choice to discard a marriage seems to be taken very lightly these days. It is as if there are no consequences.
Yet study after study shows that children are negatively impacted by divorce. Earlier studies showing differently have been disproven.
The emotional toll on the couple is huge. In time, people do recover, but not without time and effort. That same time and effort would likely have yielded a happy marriage. Funny how that works out!
Financially, a divorce can be devastating. The average cost of divorce in the United States? $20,000. That is the average. Saving a marriage? Almost free!
Oh, and that doesn't factor in the loss of equity in real estate, worth of retirement funds, loss of savings, child support, maintenance, and lots of other costs that people seem to lose sight of on the way out the door.
Do I force people to save their marriages? Absolutely not! Do I think MANY marriages that end could be saved? Absolutely!
Again, it is a couple's choice on whether to work to save a marriage. I just know that when people are in pain, we become short-sighted and take what we think is the most direct approach to getting rid of the pain. Unfortunately, it often gets us to chase the wrong target.
If you want to know how to save your marriage, count me in. If you'd rather not, I wish you well.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
So let me be clear, I DO NOT pressure people into trying to save their marriages. Obviously, I do think that marriages should be saved, but I leave the decision to do that with the couple. I am not on some crusade to save every marriage. I am, however, available to help people who want to save their marriages.
There are some who simply believe marriage is a bygone relic of past days. Those folks tend to be people justifying their behavior. Marriage has withstood the test of time as a way of 1) raising a family, 2) finding intimacy, 3) growing and developing, and 4) finding happiness and meaning. Not every marriage makes it that far, but the potential is there.
Should every marriage be saved? No, I am quite clear that I do not think people in abusive relationships should save their marriage. That said, the choice to discard a marriage seems to be taken very lightly these days. It is as if there are no consequences.
Yet study after study shows that children are negatively impacted by divorce. Earlier studies showing differently have been disproven.
The emotional toll on the couple is huge. In time, people do recover, but not without time and effort. That same time and effort would likely have yielded a happy marriage. Funny how that works out!
Financially, a divorce can be devastating. The average cost of divorce in the United States? $20,000. That is the average. Saving a marriage? Almost free!
Oh, and that doesn't factor in the loss of equity in real estate, worth of retirement funds, loss of savings, child support, maintenance, and lots of other costs that people seem to lose sight of on the way out the door.
Do I force people to save their marriages? Absolutely not! Do I think MANY marriages that end could be saved? Absolutely!
Again, it is a couple's choice on whether to work to save a marriage. I just know that when people are in pain, we become short-sighted and take what we think is the most direct approach to getting rid of the pain. Unfortunately, it often gets us to chase the wrong target.
If you want to know how to save your marriage, count me in. If you'd rather not, I wish you well.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: advice, divorce, help saving marriage, I can't save marriage, internet marriage advice, it's not my fault, marital advice, marital help, marriage advice, save marriage, save my marriage
Friday, July 31, 2009
Do You WANT Your Marriage, Or Are You Playing Tug-Of-War?
I spend a good portion of my week responding to consultation emails and working with clients. This week, I had two cases that reminded me of a very important fact: we all have a tendency to play tug-of-war.
Let me explain with a personal example. A couple of years ago, I was at a conference. In the afternoon session, we were asked to turn and face another person, and place our arms in an arm wrestling position.
The instructions were simple: touch each others' hand to the table as many times as possible in 60 seconds.
For the next minute, everyone in the room engaged in a strenuous match of arm wrestling. Few people got their count above 10, and that was mostly because of a mismatch in size and strength!
Then, the leaders pulled out a table and put their hands in position, but they cooperated! Each took turns having their hands hit to the table, and they were able to get over 90 touches in! They had given us the directions, but we were already poised to arm wrestle!
Now, back to saving marriages. When a spouse decides that he or she wants out, a tug-of-war can be set up. Our natural tendency is to pull in the opposite direction. In other words, they pull away, we pull toward the relationship!
So, this week, one woman told me how hard she was working to save her marriage. She also told me her husband had already had not one, not two, but three affairs! I suspect there were others! I told the woman that she needed to pause for a moment, and instead of trying to figure out how to save the marriage, she needed to ponder another question. She needed to decide on whether she could continue in a marriage with a philanderer. She suddenly realized that she could not do that.
The very next day, a woman started telling me about all her attempts to save her marriage, then noted the affair and abuse she had suffered through with her husband. Again, I got her to pause in her marriage-saving strategy and ask whether she wanted to have the marriage she was in. She is still thinking.
My point is this: are you just trying to save a marriage, or do you want that marriage? I am all about saving marriages, but I am also about having a marriage you want to have. Don't get caught up in saving a marriage, and fail to see that if you did save it, you wouldn't want it! Instead, focus on saving a marriage AND making it a marriage you can treasure!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Let me explain with a personal example. A couple of years ago, I was at a conference. In the afternoon session, we were asked to turn and face another person, and place our arms in an arm wrestling position.
The instructions were simple: touch each others' hand to the table as many times as possible in 60 seconds.
For the next minute, everyone in the room engaged in a strenuous match of arm wrestling. Few people got their count above 10, and that was mostly because of a mismatch in size and strength!
Then, the leaders pulled out a table and put their hands in position, but they cooperated! Each took turns having their hands hit to the table, and they were able to get over 90 touches in! They had given us the directions, but we were already poised to arm wrestle!
Now, back to saving marriages. When a spouse decides that he or she wants out, a tug-of-war can be set up. Our natural tendency is to pull in the opposite direction. In other words, they pull away, we pull toward the relationship!
So, this week, one woman told me how hard she was working to save her marriage. She also told me her husband had already had not one, not two, but three affairs! I suspect there were others! I told the woman that she needed to pause for a moment, and instead of trying to figure out how to save the marriage, she needed to ponder another question. She needed to decide on whether she could continue in a marriage with a philanderer. She suddenly realized that she could not do that.
The very next day, a woman started telling me about all her attempts to save her marriage, then noted the affair and abuse she had suffered through with her husband. Again, I got her to pause in her marriage-saving strategy and ask whether she wanted to have the marriage she was in. She is still thinking.
My point is this: are you just trying to save a marriage, or do you want that marriage? I am all about saving marriages, but I am also about having a marriage you want to have. Don't get caught up in saving a marriage, and fail to see that if you did save it, you wouldn't want it! Instead, focus on saving a marriage AND making it a marriage you can treasure!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: advice, commitment, free marriage advice, help saving marriage, improve marriage, marital advice, problems in marriage, save marriage, save my marriage, save your marriage
Friday, June 19, 2009
Four "You's" Could Save Your Marriage
Just a couple weeks ago, one of my clients gave me a bit of business advice that's been directly applicable to saving a marriage. I wanted to share it with you.
My client, who is a businessperson, was telling me that there are four important "you's" that are crucial for a business. They are crucial for any relationship. And they can be used in your marriage, starting today.
Here are the four "you's:"
1. "How are you?"
2. "What can I do for you?"
3. "Thank you."
4. "I appreciate/love you."
Those are the crucial four "you's." Do you see the power in them? Do you see how you could use them in your marriage? Do you see how those are not happening in your relationship?
What would happen, if you don't already do this, to have a conversation in the evening about how your spouse is doing? I don't mean the quick "how are you?" I mean really wondering how your spouse is doing. I mean sitting on the back porch and asking how your spouse is really doing. How often does this happen for you? If you're like most people, especially with troubled relationship, that conversation did not happen.
Or, what about asking what you can do for your spouse? Oftentimes, when relationships get into trouble, couples instinctively stop doing for each other. In good times, you may ask about what your spouse might like, what you could do for him or her. But when things get tough, the question often falls by the wayside. We start thinking "if you don't do for me, I won't do for you."
Yet that is exactly what might get the relationship moving forward. When one spouse makes some forward motion toward the other spouse, often he or she responds in a similar manner. It might not happen the first time, but that does not mean you don't do it again. In fact, you keep doing this one. As long as it takes!
Or how about. "Thank you?" Again, when the relationship is not well, this is something that we often stop saying. In fact, we stop even noticing that our spouse is doing doing anything for us. That only compounds the problem. When we stop noticing, people stop acting. So, in addition to doing for your spouse, look for what your spouse is doing for you. Then thank him or her.
The final "you" is about letting your spouse know that you appreciate him or her. You may not be ready to use the word "love" at this point, but can you let your spouse know what you appreciate about him or her? When marriages get into trouble, one thing that happens is that we feel completely unappreciated. We start acting in ways that continue that. In other words, if I don't feel appreciated, don't do anything to be appreciated. So, this one is letting someone know that they are appreciated.
By letting someone know this, the other person might begin to act in more appreciative and appreciable ways. At the very least, he or she will know that you are noticing what he or she is doing.
Many marriages could be saved simply if the other person felt appreciated and loved. The four questions can easily move you in that direction. Make it your habit to use these questions.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
My client, who is a businessperson, was telling me that there are four important "you's" that are crucial for a business. They are crucial for any relationship. And they can be used in your marriage, starting today.
Here are the four "you's:"
1. "How are you?"
2. "What can I do for you?"
3. "Thank you."
4. "I appreciate/love you."
Those are the crucial four "you's." Do you see the power in them? Do you see how you could use them in your marriage? Do you see how those are not happening in your relationship?
What would happen, if you don't already do this, to have a conversation in the evening about how your spouse is doing? I don't mean the quick "how are you?" I mean really wondering how your spouse is doing. I mean sitting on the back porch and asking how your spouse is really doing. How often does this happen for you? If you're like most people, especially with troubled relationship, that conversation did not happen.
Or, what about asking what you can do for your spouse? Oftentimes, when relationships get into trouble, couples instinctively stop doing for each other. In good times, you may ask about what your spouse might like, what you could do for him or her. But when things get tough, the question often falls by the wayside. We start thinking "if you don't do for me, I won't do for you."
Yet that is exactly what might get the relationship moving forward. When one spouse makes some forward motion toward the other spouse, often he or she responds in a similar manner. It might not happen the first time, but that does not mean you don't do it again. In fact, you keep doing this one. As long as it takes!
Or how about. "Thank you?" Again, when the relationship is not well, this is something that we often stop saying. In fact, we stop even noticing that our spouse is doing doing anything for us. That only compounds the problem. When we stop noticing, people stop acting. So, in addition to doing for your spouse, look for what your spouse is doing for you. Then thank him or her.
The final "you" is about letting your spouse know that you appreciate him or her. You may not be ready to use the word "love" at this point, but can you let your spouse know what you appreciate about him or her? When marriages get into trouble, one thing that happens is that we feel completely unappreciated. We start acting in ways that continue that. In other words, if I don't feel appreciated, don't do anything to be appreciated. So, this one is letting someone know that they are appreciated.
By letting someone know this, the other person might begin to act in more appreciative and appreciable ways. At the very least, he or she will know that you are noticing what he or she is doing.
Many marriages could be saved simply if the other person felt appreciated and loved. The four questions can easily move you in that direction. Make it your habit to use these questions.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: acceptance, advice, communication, free marriage advice, help saving marriage, I can't save marriage, improve marriage, marriage advice, what makes a marriage last
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Why Do We Drive Each Other Crazy?
Yesterday, I had the opportunity of talking with a couple that I may never see again. The reason I will never see them again is because they are not ready to make a change.
You see, they were caught in "ME mode."What I mean by that is they were not even able to see outside of themselves. They were not able to see how they were getting in the way of the relationship. Each one pointing the finger at the other. In fact, every conversation quickly went back to "what's wrong with you."
I couldn't see how they could make any changes because they were so caught up in seeing why the other person was wrong. They were never able to see why they were wrong. What a catastrophe! I couldn't believe that we couldn't go even 30 seconds without one pointing the finger at the other end telling me how right he or she was and how wrong the other person was!
You see, even therapist get frustrated sometimes! I played referee for an entire hour! At the end of the time, I suggested that each one needed to decide whether they wanted to really make any changes, or just point out the faults of the other person.
Sadly, this couple could probably fix their marriage with little effort... IF they were willing to see that each one had fault. I just needed a little room. I didn't need any major changes. All that needed to happen was for one or the other to decide that it was not just the other person's fault.
So why do we drive each other crazy? Why are marriages so difficult? Because we are rarely honest with our spouse. More than that, we are rarely honest with ourselves. Over time, everyone of us builds up resentments. Over time, few of us share our resentments. Each one may be very small, but if you add them up, you've created a tinderbox that leads to marital distress, frustration, and ignited of anger.
I am not suggesting that we have to tell our spouse everything that is on our mind. In fact, that would be quite destructive to the relationship. However, we often refuse to even tell the few things that could make a real difference in our marriage. In this case, the man simply wanted to feel like he was liked. Oddly, his wife did like him. She just didn't express it in ways that he recognized. Tragic!
For her side, she kept waiting for him to tell her exactly what he was upset about. Why didn't he? Because in his family, the rule of thumb was to not fight, not argue, and not tell what you wanted. Her family? They fought it out, argued it out, and told you exactly what they wanted.
Two different families, two different roles. And spouses the didn't talk about it. In fact, didn't even recognize it. Now, a marriage is about to end because both people think they are correct, and are definite that the other is wrong.
My advice? First, couples need to get in the habit of talking about the little difficulties. We wait until they build up, they suddenly become very personal, very painful, and almost always intractable.
Second, we humans are a lot like animals. At least in how we train each other. If behavior gives us something that we want, we keep doing it! For example, my dog is one big Labrador retriever. His head can easily rest on our table. Every now and then, my son lets a piece of cereal fall out of his bowl and onto his placemat. It only took a couple of times for my dog to realize that he got a treat as soon as my son left the table. Now, it is very hard to keep my dog away from the table.
When we humans get rewarded for "bad behavior," in other words, when our painful actions towards others gets rewarded, we tend to repeat the behavior, even if it hurts the other person. In fact, we often fail to see that it hurts the other person.
Couples train each other in what behavior works and what behavior doesn't work. Be careful in how you train your spouse. For example, with the couple I saw yesterday, when she pouted, he came to the rescue. But the difference between pouting and looking angry is very slight. Over time, her pout began to look like anger to him. From then on, she was pouting for attention, and he was feeling rejected.
Would either believe me if I told them about this? After about an hour of trying to convince them, I can tell you that neither one will believe what I'm saying. They have already made up their minds.
Third, one thing that is often missing in a marriage is our attempt to not just understand but to accept our spouse. All of us have our faults, and when we forget that, our spouse has a hard time living up to our expectations. Suddenly, all we can see are their faults.
So, the threat is in expecting perfection in our spouse, or seeing only fault. So here's the conundrum: we want to be accepted for who we are, but we have a hard time offering that to our spouse. "ME mode"is probably the most destructive pattern in any marriage. When we get caught up in ourselves, we forget the other. Marriage is all about WE. Remember that, and you have increased the likelihood of success in your marriage a hundredfold.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
You see, they were caught in "ME mode."What I mean by that is they were not even able to see outside of themselves. They were not able to see how they were getting in the way of the relationship. Each one pointing the finger at the other. In fact, every conversation quickly went back to "what's wrong with you."
I couldn't see how they could make any changes because they were so caught up in seeing why the other person was wrong. They were never able to see why they were wrong. What a catastrophe! I couldn't believe that we couldn't go even 30 seconds without one pointing the finger at the other end telling me how right he or she was and how wrong the other person was!
You see, even therapist get frustrated sometimes! I played referee for an entire hour! At the end of the time, I suggested that each one needed to decide whether they wanted to really make any changes, or just point out the faults of the other person.
Sadly, this couple could probably fix their marriage with little effort... IF they were willing to see that each one had fault. I just needed a little room. I didn't need any major changes. All that needed to happen was for one or the other to decide that it was not just the other person's fault.
So why do we drive each other crazy? Why are marriages so difficult? Because we are rarely honest with our spouse. More than that, we are rarely honest with ourselves. Over time, everyone of us builds up resentments. Over time, few of us share our resentments. Each one may be very small, but if you add them up, you've created a tinderbox that leads to marital distress, frustration, and ignited of anger.
I am not suggesting that we have to tell our spouse everything that is on our mind. In fact, that would be quite destructive to the relationship. However, we often refuse to even tell the few things that could make a real difference in our marriage. In this case, the man simply wanted to feel like he was liked. Oddly, his wife did like him. She just didn't express it in ways that he recognized. Tragic!
For her side, she kept waiting for him to tell her exactly what he was upset about. Why didn't he? Because in his family, the rule of thumb was to not fight, not argue, and not tell what you wanted. Her family? They fought it out, argued it out, and told you exactly what they wanted.
Two different families, two different roles. And spouses the didn't talk about it. In fact, didn't even recognize it. Now, a marriage is about to end because both people think they are correct, and are definite that the other is wrong.
My advice? First, couples need to get in the habit of talking about the little difficulties. We wait until they build up, they suddenly become very personal, very painful, and almost always intractable.
Second, we humans are a lot like animals. At least in how we train each other. If behavior gives us something that we want, we keep doing it! For example, my dog is one big Labrador retriever. His head can easily rest on our table. Every now and then, my son lets a piece of cereal fall out of his bowl and onto his placemat. It only took a couple of times for my dog to realize that he got a treat as soon as my son left the table. Now, it is very hard to keep my dog away from the table.
When we humans get rewarded for "bad behavior," in other words, when our painful actions towards others gets rewarded, we tend to repeat the behavior, even if it hurts the other person. In fact, we often fail to see that it hurts the other person.
Couples train each other in what behavior works and what behavior doesn't work. Be careful in how you train your spouse. For example, with the couple I saw yesterday, when she pouted, he came to the rescue. But the difference between pouting and looking angry is very slight. Over time, her pout began to look like anger to him. From then on, she was pouting for attention, and he was feeling rejected.
Would either believe me if I told them about this? After about an hour of trying to convince them, I can tell you that neither one will believe what I'm saying. They have already made up their minds.
Third, one thing that is often missing in a marriage is our attempt to not just understand but to accept our spouse. All of us have our faults, and when we forget that, our spouse has a hard time living up to our expectations. Suddenly, all we can see are their faults.
So, the threat is in expecting perfection in our spouse, or seeing only fault. So here's the conundrum: we want to be accepted for who we are, but we have a hard time offering that to our spouse. "ME mode"is probably the most destructive pattern in any marriage. When we get caught up in ourselves, we forget the other. Marriage is all about WE. Remember that, and you have increased the likelihood of success in your marriage a hundredfold.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: acceptance, advice, free marriage advice, relationship advice, save marriage, save my marriage, save your marriage, what makes a marriage last
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
The Best Information Fails If. . . .
I don't understand it! I have been a member of my local YMCA for several months now, but I don't see a difference in my muscle tone or my waist! It makes no sense to me.
Oh, and a friend of mine went to the doctor, found out he had high blood pressure. The doctor gave him a prescription. He also recommended several changes in his lifestyle. But to no avail! His blood pressure is still elevated. He is frustrated (which doesn't help the pressure!)
Did I mention that I haven't actually gone to the gym yet? I probably forgot to mention that. My friend? He hasn't gotten the prescription filled, and he was telling me about his blood pressure over lunch (he was having one of those big, juicy cheeseburgers and a side of onion rings) that we crammed in between several tough meetings that day. . . .
I recently read a statistic that really bothered me as a writer: 95% of self-help books are never read. Of the 5% that are read, I wonder how many people actually take the information and implement it.
You are probably trying to find some useful information to help you with your marriage. The best information will be of no help if it is not implemented.
I don't know how many times people have called me and said "I read your book, and it didn't help at all." I ask, "what did you do? What did you change?" They usually stutter and stammer a few moments, then admit that they read the material, but they did nothing to actually change anything.
So, if you are ready to change your marriage, don't just become an information addict! Read the material, then implement it! Those two steps probably put you ahead of 99% of the population!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
Oh, and a friend of mine went to the doctor, found out he had high blood pressure. The doctor gave him a prescription. He also recommended several changes in his lifestyle. But to no avail! His blood pressure is still elevated. He is frustrated (which doesn't help the pressure!)
Did I mention that I haven't actually gone to the gym yet? I probably forgot to mention that. My friend? He hasn't gotten the prescription filled, and he was telling me about his blood pressure over lunch (he was having one of those big, juicy cheeseburgers and a side of onion rings) that we crammed in between several tough meetings that day. . . .
I recently read a statistic that really bothered me as a writer: 95% of self-help books are never read. Of the 5% that are read, I wonder how many people actually take the information and implement it.
You are probably trying to find some useful information to help you with your marriage. The best information will be of no help if it is not implemented.
I don't know how many times people have called me and said "I read your book, and it didn't help at all." I ask, "what did you do? What did you change?" They usually stutter and stammer a few moments, then admit that they read the material, but they did nothing to actually change anything.
So, if you are ready to change your marriage, don't just become an information addict! Read the material, then implement it! Those two steps probably put you ahead of 99% of the population!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
Labels: advice, help saving marriage, marriage book, marriage ebook, save marriage, self-help
