Monday, April 20, 2009
Revive To Thrive: New Video
Been following my information on building a thriving marriage? Well, the third video is now up. Again, no obligation or requirements. Just good information to help you discover what keeps you from having a thriving marriage. . . and what to do about it!
Take a look at the video HERE!
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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Take a look at the video HERE!
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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: change behavior, core beliefs, free marriage advice, free marriage video, lee baucom, resilience, thriving
Monday, February 11, 2008
Excuse #4: "It's Not My Fault!"
I have heard that one over and over: "It's not my fault!" There are two subtexts to this:
1: "Since I am innocent, why should I have to do something?"
2: "Since I didn't cause it, what can I do?"
Let's say your house is on fire. Perhaps you didn't cause the fire, but do you stand there and say, "this isn't my fault" while the building burns around you, or do you take responsibility to get yourself and any others you can out of harms way?
While that one seems obvious, that is basically the issue at hand: we do not have to be at fault to take responsibility! In fact, those who study resilience (how people bounce back after challenges and crises), have found that this is one of the central issues that determines a person's resilience. Can we take responsibility for making situations change without having to take the blame?
In fact, I would go so far as to say that blame should be dropped as an issue in marriage. Blame is always looking backward. Marriages recovering is about moving forward. To say it more simply, blame = backward, stuck, failure; responsibility = forward, progress, success.
And to apply the "burning house" metaphor further, why do you have to take action? Because the house is on fire! There are no options but to take action.
But to continue pushing against this excuse, I have yet to find a couple where one or the other was entirely blameless. We all act in ways that are not optimal. We all do things that hurt those we love. We all find ourselves responding in ways that surprise and sadden us.
In other words, we all have something we can work on. At times, the situation is this: we have worked to hard to make the relationship work that we are no longer being true to ourselves. Then, our task is to get back to the place where we are healthy. If we do that, we are taking responsibility for our own lives. We are able to make healthy changes in our lives that will likely lead to healthier places in our marriages.
"It's not my fault" is only an excuse to keep from taking responsibility. Don't fall for it.
Ready to take responsibility? Grab my ebook and get started!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
1: "Since I am innocent, why should I have to do something?"
2: "Since I didn't cause it, what can I do?"
Let's say your house is on fire. Perhaps you didn't cause the fire, but do you stand there and say, "this isn't my fault" while the building burns around you, or do you take responsibility to get yourself and any others you can out of harms way?
While that one seems obvious, that is basically the issue at hand: we do not have to be at fault to take responsibility! In fact, those who study resilience (how people bounce back after challenges and crises), have found that this is one of the central issues that determines a person's resilience. Can we take responsibility for making situations change without having to take the blame?
In fact, I would go so far as to say that blame should be dropped as an issue in marriage. Blame is always looking backward. Marriages recovering is about moving forward. To say it more simply, blame = backward, stuck, failure; responsibility = forward, progress, success.
And to apply the "burning house" metaphor further, why do you have to take action? Because the house is on fire! There are no options but to take action.
But to continue pushing against this excuse, I have yet to find a couple where one or the other was entirely blameless. We all act in ways that are not optimal. We all do things that hurt those we love. We all find ourselves responding in ways that surprise and sadden us.
In other words, we all have something we can work on. At times, the situation is this: we have worked to hard to make the relationship work that we are no longer being true to ourselves. Then, our task is to get back to the place where we are healthy. If we do that, we are taking responsibility for our own lives. We are able to make healthy changes in our lives that will likely lead to healthier places in our marriages.
"It's not my fault" is only an excuse to keep from taking responsibility. Don't fall for it.
Ready to take responsibility? Grab my ebook and get started!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
Labels: change behavior, I can't save marriage, it's not my fault, save marriage
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Excuse #3: "I Can't Do Anything!"
Do you feel hopeless and unable to change the outcome of your relationship? Then excuse #3 may be the thought that is running through your mind: "I want to do something, but there isn't anything I can do."
Henry Ford said "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you are right." In other words, part of the issue is the mindset we enter a problem with. No doubt, you have tried to improve things in the past, and perhaps found no success.
But I would contend that a lack of success in the past does not predict a lack of success in the future. . . unless you just do the same thing you were doing before!
Another quote I love is from Albert Einstein. He wrote: "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." Think about that -- if you are thinking and acting in the same way you were when the relationship was deteriorating, then that thinking is not going to change the outcome. You end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy: same thinking equals failed relationship.
The point of getting outside help is getting a shift in thinking. When you see things differently, then you will have new tools with which to fix the relationship. It is like going into a home project with only a hammer and nails. Sometimes, you need a screwdriver and screws, or maybe even a saw.
Whenever you gain new tools, you gain new capacities for changing. Whenever you discover new understandings, you discover new possibilities for change. I was an amateur magician in my childhood. I remember having bought this really great magic trick at the magic shop. Little did I know that it actually required a bit of sleight-of-hand (I was hoping for the self-working!).
In the car, I discovered I COULD NOT do this trick. But I kept working at it. Then, I suddenly realized what I needed to do. The instructions had been there all along, but in an instant, they made sense! I could suddenly do the magic trick!
Now, I am not suggesting that your marital problems are as simple as a magic trick, but I have been in the field long enough to know that the problems are more basic and simple to solve than most people wish to believe.
Your task is to quit playing the victim excuse, "I can't do anything," in your head, and find some new ways of thinking and some new tools to work on your marriage. I invite you to try my ebook as a way to to this. You can grab it by CLICKING HERE.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
Henry Ford said "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you are right." In other words, part of the issue is the mindset we enter a problem with. No doubt, you have tried to improve things in the past, and perhaps found no success.
But I would contend that a lack of success in the past does not predict a lack of success in the future. . . unless you just do the same thing you were doing before!
Another quote I love is from Albert Einstein. He wrote: "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." Think about that -- if you are thinking and acting in the same way you were when the relationship was deteriorating, then that thinking is not going to change the outcome. You end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy: same thinking equals failed relationship.
The point of getting outside help is getting a shift in thinking. When you see things differently, then you will have new tools with which to fix the relationship. It is like going into a home project with only a hammer and nails. Sometimes, you need a screwdriver and screws, or maybe even a saw.
Whenever you gain new tools, you gain new capacities for changing. Whenever you discover new understandings, you discover new possibilities for change. I was an amateur magician in my childhood. I remember having bought this really great magic trick at the magic shop. Little did I know that it actually required a bit of sleight-of-hand (I was hoping for the self-working!).
In the car, I discovered I COULD NOT do this trick. But I kept working at it. Then, I suddenly realized what I needed to do. The instructions had been there all along, but in an instant, they made sense! I could suddenly do the magic trick!
Now, I am not suggesting that your marital problems are as simple as a magic trick, but I have been in the field long enough to know that the problems are more basic and simple to solve than most people wish to believe.
Your task is to quit playing the victim excuse, "I can't do anything," in your head, and find some new ways of thinking and some new tools to work on your marriage. I invite you to try my ebook as a way to to this. You can grab it by CLICKING HERE.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
Labels: change behavior, communication, I can't save marriage, marital advice, marital help, marriage advice, problems in marriage, save marriage, save your marriage
Monday, August 20, 2007
"I'm Sorry" Is The Starting Point -- Not The End
Several years back, my son had a teacher that would not allow the students to say "I'm sorry." That may sound odd, coming from a 1st grade teacher. . . not allowing someone to apologize. But his rationale was this: Saying your sorry does not indicate a change. Changing indicates a change.
While I think this teacher went a little too far (sometimes, it is nice to hear those words), his point was dead-on. People often apologize and apologize, but with no change in behavior. In fact, I often see people where, in the middle of a session, they turn to their spouse and say, "I said I was sorry. What do you want me to do?" I often catch them there and say "CHANGE!"
A true apology begins with saying "I'm sorry," but is then followed up with changes that show the behavior that prompted the need to apologize has been left behind.
Too often, "I'm sorry" comes in response to "I was caught." The behavior that seemed to make sense before no longer makes sense. "The gig is up," as some would say. Then, there is the hurt and pain over the transgression, often on both parts.
The fracture can and should be healed. But saying "I'm sorry" is merely the starting point. It is the acknowledgment that something occurred that should not have. But it is also the beginning of "so what am I going to do about it?" Restoration requires a changing of behavior. This may be correcting what was done, or it may require changing habits and behaviors so that is doesn't happen again.
For instance, when a couple is struggling with the aftermath of an affair, changes in behavior on the part of the one who had the affair is necessary, if not crucial. Living an "open book" life, staying away from the other person, being loving and supportive, are all examples of changes that may continue the process.
Or for instance, someone who abuses alcohol. "I'm sorry" begins the process. But choosing to avoid friends that lead to problems or locations that elicit drinking, are perhaps necessary changes.
Too often, we quickly give an "I'm sorry," but have a hard time following this up with a change in behavior. It is good to remember that an apology only begins a process of healing.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
While I think this teacher went a little too far (sometimes, it is nice to hear those words), his point was dead-on. People often apologize and apologize, but with no change in behavior. In fact, I often see people where, in the middle of a session, they turn to their spouse and say, "I said I was sorry. What do you want me to do?" I often catch them there and say "CHANGE!"
A true apology begins with saying "I'm sorry," but is then followed up with changes that show the behavior that prompted the need to apologize has been left behind.
Too often, "I'm sorry" comes in response to "I was caught." The behavior that seemed to make sense before no longer makes sense. "The gig is up," as some would say. Then, there is the hurt and pain over the transgression, often on both parts.
The fracture can and should be healed. But saying "I'm sorry" is merely the starting point. It is the acknowledgment that something occurred that should not have. But it is also the beginning of "so what am I going to do about it?" Restoration requires a changing of behavior. This may be correcting what was done, or it may require changing habits and behaviors so that is doesn't happen again.
For instance, when a couple is struggling with the aftermath of an affair, changes in behavior on the part of the one who had the affair is necessary, if not crucial. Living an "open book" life, staying away from the other person, being loving and supportive, are all examples of changes that may continue the process.
Or for instance, someone who abuses alcohol. "I'm sorry" begins the process. But choosing to avoid friends that lead to problems or locations that elicit drinking, are perhaps necessary changes.
Too often, we quickly give an "I'm sorry," but have a hard time following this up with a change in behavior. It is good to remember that an apology only begins a process of healing.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
Labels: affair, apology, change behavior, save marriage, sorry
