Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Excuse #3: "I Can't Do Anything!"
Do you feel hopeless and unable to change the outcome of your relationship? Then excuse #3 may be the thought that is running through your mind: "I want to do something, but there isn't anything I can do."
Henry Ford said "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you are right." In other words, part of the issue is the mindset we enter a problem with. No doubt, you have tried to improve things in the past, and perhaps found no success.
But I would contend that a lack of success in the past does not predict a lack of success in the future. . . unless you just do the same thing you were doing before!
Another quote I love is from Albert Einstein. He wrote: "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." Think about that -- if you are thinking and acting in the same way you were when the relationship was deteriorating, then that thinking is not going to change the outcome. You end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy: same thinking equals failed relationship.
The point of getting outside help is getting a shift in thinking. When you see things differently, then you will have new tools with which to fix the relationship. It is like going into a home project with only a hammer and nails. Sometimes, you need a screwdriver and screws, or maybe even a saw.
Whenever you gain new tools, you gain new capacities for changing. Whenever you discover new understandings, you discover new possibilities for change. I was an amateur magician in my childhood. I remember having bought this really great magic trick at the magic shop. Little did I know that it actually required a bit of sleight-of-hand (I was hoping for the self-working!).
In the car, I discovered I COULD NOT do this trick. But I kept working at it. Then, I suddenly realized what I needed to do. The instructions had been there all along, but in an instant, they made sense! I could suddenly do the magic trick!
Now, I am not suggesting that your marital problems are as simple as a magic trick, but I have been in the field long enough to know that the problems are more basic and simple to solve than most people wish to believe.
Your task is to quit playing the victim excuse, "I can't do anything," in your head, and find some new ways of thinking and some new tools to work on your marriage. I invite you to try my ebook as a way to to this. You can grab it by CLICKING HERE.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
Henry Ford said "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you are right." In other words, part of the issue is the mindset we enter a problem with. No doubt, you have tried to improve things in the past, and perhaps found no success.
But I would contend that a lack of success in the past does not predict a lack of success in the future. . . unless you just do the same thing you were doing before!
Another quote I love is from Albert Einstein. He wrote: "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." Think about that -- if you are thinking and acting in the same way you were when the relationship was deteriorating, then that thinking is not going to change the outcome. You end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy: same thinking equals failed relationship.
The point of getting outside help is getting a shift in thinking. When you see things differently, then you will have new tools with which to fix the relationship. It is like going into a home project with only a hammer and nails. Sometimes, you need a screwdriver and screws, or maybe even a saw.
Whenever you gain new tools, you gain new capacities for changing. Whenever you discover new understandings, you discover new possibilities for change. I was an amateur magician in my childhood. I remember having bought this really great magic trick at the magic shop. Little did I know that it actually required a bit of sleight-of-hand (I was hoping for the self-working!).
In the car, I discovered I COULD NOT do this trick. But I kept working at it. Then, I suddenly realized what I needed to do. The instructions had been there all along, but in an instant, they made sense! I could suddenly do the magic trick!
Now, I am not suggesting that your marital problems are as simple as a magic trick, but I have been in the field long enough to know that the problems are more basic and simple to solve than most people wish to believe.
Your task is to quit playing the victim excuse, "I can't do anything," in your head, and find some new ways of thinking and some new tools to work on your marriage. I invite you to try my ebook as a way to to this. You can grab it by CLICKING HERE.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
Labels: change behavior, communication, I can't save marriage, marital advice, marital help, marriage advice, problems in marriage, save marriage, save your marriage
Friday, February 02, 2007
. . . And Avoid That Romantic Weekend Away!
My last post warned you about the "Big Relationship Talk." Bet you never imagined hearing a Relationship Coach or Therapist warn you about communicating!
Really, my warning was about hoping that big talk would iron out long-standing issues. The talk ends up being too "loaded" -- too many expectations, too much importance, and too much of the conversation has already happened in the head of one or the other.
Today, I am sending a warning out about taking that "romantic getaway" as a means of reconnecting and starting fresh. Again, you may be thinking, "why is this guy killing my romantic reconnection." I am all for that, but I also know that these "romantic getaways" are rife with potential disappointment.
Just like that big talk, both parties end up playing out the weekend, often in great detail (or fantasy) without being able to speak to these expectations. So, off you go, on the weekend trip, with huge expectations.
At the start of the trip, you may be disconnected, and expect to return connected. But when you leave disconnected, you end up trying to go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds. Possible, but neither likely nor comfortable.
Instead, postpone the trip for when you are feeling connected. Take small trips -- the coffee shop for a chat, the bookstore for a perusal, the movies, a walk around the neighborhood -- as a way to reconnect. Then, when you feel reconnected, spend your money on a romantic weekend that has a chance to live up to the fantasy in your head!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
Really, my warning was about hoping that big talk would iron out long-standing issues. The talk ends up being too "loaded" -- too many expectations, too much importance, and too much of the conversation has already happened in the head of one or the other.
Today, I am sending a warning out about taking that "romantic getaway" as a means of reconnecting and starting fresh. Again, you may be thinking, "why is this guy killing my romantic reconnection." I am all for that, but I also know that these "romantic getaways" are rife with potential disappointment.
Just like that big talk, both parties end up playing out the weekend, often in great detail (or fantasy) without being able to speak to these expectations. So, off you go, on the weekend trip, with huge expectations.
At the start of the trip, you may be disconnected, and expect to return connected. But when you leave disconnected, you end up trying to go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds. Possible, but neither likely nor comfortable.
Instead, postpone the trip for when you are feeling connected. Take small trips -- the coffee shop for a chat, the bookstore for a perusal, the movies, a walk around the neighborhood -- as a way to reconnect. Then, when you feel reconnected, spend your money on a romantic weekend that has a chance to live up to the fantasy in your head!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
Labels: communication, marital advice, marital help, marriage advice, romantic getaway, romantic weekend, save marriage
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Why "Let's Talk" Doesn't Work
Sometimes, when a couple is having trouble, they decide to try to deal with it. And when they decide to deal with it, sometimes they are effective, and other times they create more damage.
Today, a quick note about the damaging approach: The Big Talk about the relationship. You know the one; it's the talk that will pull things back together. You will share, your spouse will suddenly understand, you two will make up, and marital bliss will follow. OK, that's the mental picture you hold.
I'm afraid I have to break the news. That talk is not going to go the way you want it to go. In fact, you are likely to find yourself in the midst of a fight, worse off than you were before.
The reason is this: marriages get in trouble because the level of intimacy has either always been off, or has gotten off-course. That may seem obvious, but the side-effect of this is that when you are trying to have "The Big Talk," there is not enough intimacy in the relationship to contain it.
So, you end up with a defensive spouse who feels threatened by being "pulled into" a discussion that was not his or her idea. Then he or she feels blamed, no matter how you try to explain your fault (if you see any) in yourself.
Usually, we play out the scenario in our minds about the conversation, how we will start it, how our spouse will respond, and how it will end. But our spouse doesn't know the script, and doesn't even know we have been pondering the conversation, until he or she hears "we need to talk." That will strike fear into anyone (probably even stronger in men).
So, right off the bat, anxiety is up, fear is rampant, and the possibility of actually hearing is reduced by 90%. The rest is just playing out the recipe for disaster.
That doesn't mean you don't talk. It means you build intimacy along the way, before you have the bigger, deeper talks. Spend time reconnecting, being friends, having chats about your thoughts and your life (outside the relationship). Once that level of intimacy is reached, it is possible to have deeper talks, but by that time, it won't be "The Big Talk," just another talk about your relationship.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
Today, a quick note about the damaging approach: The Big Talk about the relationship. You know the one; it's the talk that will pull things back together. You will share, your spouse will suddenly understand, you two will make up, and marital bliss will follow. OK, that's the mental picture you hold.
I'm afraid I have to break the news. That talk is not going to go the way you want it to go. In fact, you are likely to find yourself in the midst of a fight, worse off than you were before.
The reason is this: marriages get in trouble because the level of intimacy has either always been off, or has gotten off-course. That may seem obvious, but the side-effect of this is that when you are trying to have "The Big Talk," there is not enough intimacy in the relationship to contain it.
So, you end up with a defensive spouse who feels threatened by being "pulled into" a discussion that was not his or her idea. Then he or she feels blamed, no matter how you try to explain your fault (if you see any) in yourself.
Usually, we play out the scenario in our minds about the conversation, how we will start it, how our spouse will respond, and how it will end. But our spouse doesn't know the script, and doesn't even know we have been pondering the conversation, until he or she hears "we need to talk." That will strike fear into anyone (probably even stronger in men).
So, right off the bat, anxiety is up, fear is rampant, and the possibility of actually hearing is reduced by 90%. The rest is just playing out the recipe for disaster.
That doesn't mean you don't talk. It means you build intimacy along the way, before you have the bigger, deeper talks. Spend time reconnecting, being friends, having chats about your thoughts and your life (outside the relationship). Once that level of intimacy is reached, it is possible to have deeper talks, but by that time, it won't be "The Big Talk," just another talk about your relationship.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
Labels: communication, marital advice, marriage advice, save marriage
