Friday, July 31, 2009
Do You WANT Your Marriage, Or Are You Playing Tug-Of-War?
I spend a good portion of my week responding to consultation emails and working with clients. This week, I had two cases that reminded me of a very important fact: we all have a tendency to play tug-of-war.
Let me explain with a personal example. A couple of years ago, I was at a conference. In the afternoon session, we were asked to turn and face another person, and place our arms in an arm wrestling position.
The instructions were simple: touch each others' hand to the table as many times as possible in 60 seconds.
For the next minute, everyone in the room engaged in a strenuous match of arm wrestling. Few people got their count above 10, and that was mostly because of a mismatch in size and strength!
Then, the leaders pulled out a table and put their hands in position, but they cooperated! Each took turns having their hands hit to the table, and they were able to get over 90 touches in! They had given us the directions, but we were already poised to arm wrestle!
Now, back to saving marriages. When a spouse decides that he or she wants out, a tug-of-war can be set up. Our natural tendency is to pull in the opposite direction. In other words, they pull away, we pull toward the relationship!
So, this week, one woman told me how hard she was working to save her marriage. She also told me her husband had already had not one, not two, but three affairs! I suspect there were others! I told the woman that she needed to pause for a moment, and instead of trying to figure out how to save the marriage, she needed to ponder another question. She needed to decide on whether she could continue in a marriage with a philanderer. She suddenly realized that she could not do that.
The very next day, a woman started telling me about all her attempts to save her marriage, then noted the affair and abuse she had suffered through with her husband. Again, I got her to pause in her marriage-saving strategy and ask whether she wanted to have the marriage she was in. She is still thinking.
My point is this: are you just trying to save a marriage, or do you want that marriage? I am all about saving marriages, but I am also about having a marriage you want to have. Don't get caught up in saving a marriage, and fail to see that if you did save it, you wouldn't want it! Instead, focus on saving a marriage AND making it a marriage you can treasure!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Let me explain with a personal example. A couple of years ago, I was at a conference. In the afternoon session, we were asked to turn and face another person, and place our arms in an arm wrestling position.
The instructions were simple: touch each others' hand to the table as many times as possible in 60 seconds.
For the next minute, everyone in the room engaged in a strenuous match of arm wrestling. Few people got their count above 10, and that was mostly because of a mismatch in size and strength!
Then, the leaders pulled out a table and put their hands in position, but they cooperated! Each took turns having their hands hit to the table, and they were able to get over 90 touches in! They had given us the directions, but we were already poised to arm wrestle!
Now, back to saving marriages. When a spouse decides that he or she wants out, a tug-of-war can be set up. Our natural tendency is to pull in the opposite direction. In other words, they pull away, we pull toward the relationship!
So, this week, one woman told me how hard she was working to save her marriage. She also told me her husband had already had not one, not two, but three affairs! I suspect there were others! I told the woman that she needed to pause for a moment, and instead of trying to figure out how to save the marriage, she needed to ponder another question. She needed to decide on whether she could continue in a marriage with a philanderer. She suddenly realized that she could not do that.
The very next day, a woman started telling me about all her attempts to save her marriage, then noted the affair and abuse she had suffered through with her husband. Again, I got her to pause in her marriage-saving strategy and ask whether she wanted to have the marriage she was in. She is still thinking.
My point is this: are you just trying to save a marriage, or do you want that marriage? I am all about saving marriages, but I am also about having a marriage you want to have. Don't get caught up in saving a marriage, and fail to see that if you did save it, you wouldn't want it! Instead, focus on saving a marriage AND making it a marriage you can treasure!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: advice, commitment, free marriage advice, help saving marriage, improve marriage, marital advice, problems in marriage, save marriage, save my marriage, save your marriage
Friday, June 19, 2009
Four "You's" Could Save Your Marriage
Just a couple weeks ago, one of my clients gave me a bit of business advice that's been directly applicable to saving a marriage. I wanted to share it with you.
My client, who is a businessperson, was telling me that there are four important "you's" that are crucial for a business. They are crucial for any relationship. And they can be used in your marriage, starting today.
Here are the four "you's:"
1. "How are you?"
2. "What can I do for you?"
3. "Thank you."
4. "I appreciate/love you."
Those are the crucial four "you's." Do you see the power in them? Do you see how you could use them in your marriage? Do you see how those are not happening in your relationship?
What would happen, if you don't already do this, to have a conversation in the evening about how your spouse is doing? I don't mean the quick "how are you?" I mean really wondering how your spouse is doing. I mean sitting on the back porch and asking how your spouse is really doing. How often does this happen for you? If you're like most people, especially with troubled relationship, that conversation did not happen.
Or, what about asking what you can do for your spouse? Oftentimes, when relationships get into trouble, couples instinctively stop doing for each other. In good times, you may ask about what your spouse might like, what you could do for him or her. But when things get tough, the question often falls by the wayside. We start thinking "if you don't do for me, I won't do for you."
Yet that is exactly what might get the relationship moving forward. When one spouse makes some forward motion toward the other spouse, often he or she responds in a similar manner. It might not happen the first time, but that does not mean you don't do it again. In fact, you keep doing this one. As long as it takes!
Or how about. "Thank you?" Again, when the relationship is not well, this is something that we often stop saying. In fact, we stop even noticing that our spouse is doing doing anything for us. That only compounds the problem. When we stop noticing, people stop acting. So, in addition to doing for your spouse, look for what your spouse is doing for you. Then thank him or her.
The final "you" is about letting your spouse know that you appreciate him or her. You may not be ready to use the word "love" at this point, but can you let your spouse know what you appreciate about him or her? When marriages get into trouble, one thing that happens is that we feel completely unappreciated. We start acting in ways that continue that. In other words, if I don't feel appreciated, don't do anything to be appreciated. So, this one is letting someone know that they are appreciated.
By letting someone know this, the other person might begin to act in more appreciative and appreciable ways. At the very least, he or she will know that you are noticing what he or she is doing.
Many marriages could be saved simply if the other person felt appreciated and loved. The four questions can easily move you in that direction. Make it your habit to use these questions.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
My client, who is a businessperson, was telling me that there are four important "you's" that are crucial for a business. They are crucial for any relationship. And they can be used in your marriage, starting today.
Here are the four "you's:"
1. "How are you?"
2. "What can I do for you?"
3. "Thank you."
4. "I appreciate/love you."
Those are the crucial four "you's." Do you see the power in them? Do you see how you could use them in your marriage? Do you see how those are not happening in your relationship?
What would happen, if you don't already do this, to have a conversation in the evening about how your spouse is doing? I don't mean the quick "how are you?" I mean really wondering how your spouse is doing. I mean sitting on the back porch and asking how your spouse is really doing. How often does this happen for you? If you're like most people, especially with troubled relationship, that conversation did not happen.
Or, what about asking what you can do for your spouse? Oftentimes, when relationships get into trouble, couples instinctively stop doing for each other. In good times, you may ask about what your spouse might like, what you could do for him or her. But when things get tough, the question often falls by the wayside. We start thinking "if you don't do for me, I won't do for you."
Yet that is exactly what might get the relationship moving forward. When one spouse makes some forward motion toward the other spouse, often he or she responds in a similar manner. It might not happen the first time, but that does not mean you don't do it again. In fact, you keep doing this one. As long as it takes!
Or how about. "Thank you?" Again, when the relationship is not well, this is something that we often stop saying. In fact, we stop even noticing that our spouse is doing doing anything for us. That only compounds the problem. When we stop noticing, people stop acting. So, in addition to doing for your spouse, look for what your spouse is doing for you. Then thank him or her.
The final "you" is about letting your spouse know that you appreciate him or her. You may not be ready to use the word "love" at this point, but can you let your spouse know what you appreciate about him or her? When marriages get into trouble, one thing that happens is that we feel completely unappreciated. We start acting in ways that continue that. In other words, if I don't feel appreciated, don't do anything to be appreciated. So, this one is letting someone know that they are appreciated.
By letting someone know this, the other person might begin to act in more appreciative and appreciable ways. At the very least, he or she will know that you are noticing what he or she is doing.
Many marriages could be saved simply if the other person felt appreciated and loved. The four questions can easily move you in that direction. Make it your habit to use these questions.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: acceptance, advice, communication, free marriage advice, help saving marriage, I can't save marriage, improve marriage, marriage advice, what makes a marriage last
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Why Do We Drive Each Other Crazy?
Yesterday, I had the opportunity of talking with a couple that I may never see again. The reason I will never see them again is because they are not ready to make a change.
You see, they were caught in "ME mode."What I mean by that is they were not even able to see outside of themselves. They were not able to see how they were getting in the way of the relationship. Each one pointing the finger at the other. In fact, every conversation quickly went back to "what's wrong with you."
I couldn't see how they could make any changes because they were so caught up in seeing why the other person was wrong. They were never able to see why they were wrong. What a catastrophe! I couldn't believe that we couldn't go even 30 seconds without one pointing the finger at the other end telling me how right he or she was and how wrong the other person was!
You see, even therapist get frustrated sometimes! I played referee for an entire hour! At the end of the time, I suggested that each one needed to decide whether they wanted to really make any changes, or just point out the faults of the other person.
Sadly, this couple could probably fix their marriage with little effort... IF they were willing to see that each one had fault. I just needed a little room. I didn't need any major changes. All that needed to happen was for one or the other to decide that it was not just the other person's fault.
So why do we drive each other crazy? Why are marriages so difficult? Because we are rarely honest with our spouse. More than that, we are rarely honest with ourselves. Over time, everyone of us builds up resentments. Over time, few of us share our resentments. Each one may be very small, but if you add them up, you've created a tinderbox that leads to marital distress, frustration, and ignited of anger.
I am not suggesting that we have to tell our spouse everything that is on our mind. In fact, that would be quite destructive to the relationship. However, we often refuse to even tell the few things that could make a real difference in our marriage. In this case, the man simply wanted to feel like he was liked. Oddly, his wife did like him. She just didn't express it in ways that he recognized. Tragic!
For her side, she kept waiting for him to tell her exactly what he was upset about. Why didn't he? Because in his family, the rule of thumb was to not fight, not argue, and not tell what you wanted. Her family? They fought it out, argued it out, and told you exactly what they wanted.
Two different families, two different roles. And spouses the didn't talk about it. In fact, didn't even recognize it. Now, a marriage is about to end because both people think they are correct, and are definite that the other is wrong.
My advice? First, couples need to get in the habit of talking about the little difficulties. We wait until they build up, they suddenly become very personal, very painful, and almost always intractable.
Second, we humans are a lot like animals. At least in how we train each other. If behavior gives us something that we want, we keep doing it! For example, my dog is one big Labrador retriever. His head can easily rest on our table. Every now and then, my son lets a piece of cereal fall out of his bowl and onto his placemat. It only took a couple of times for my dog to realize that he got a treat as soon as my son left the table. Now, it is very hard to keep my dog away from the table.
When we humans get rewarded for "bad behavior," in other words, when our painful actions towards others gets rewarded, we tend to repeat the behavior, even if it hurts the other person. In fact, we often fail to see that it hurts the other person.
Couples train each other in what behavior works and what behavior doesn't work. Be careful in how you train your spouse. For example, with the couple I saw yesterday, when she pouted, he came to the rescue. But the difference between pouting and looking angry is very slight. Over time, her pout began to look like anger to him. From then on, she was pouting for attention, and he was feeling rejected.
Would either believe me if I told them about this? After about an hour of trying to convince them, I can tell you that neither one will believe what I'm saying. They have already made up their minds.
Third, one thing that is often missing in a marriage is our attempt to not just understand but to accept our spouse. All of us have our faults, and when we forget that, our spouse has a hard time living up to our expectations. Suddenly, all we can see are their faults.
So, the threat is in expecting perfection in our spouse, or seeing only fault. So here's the conundrum: we want to be accepted for who we are, but we have a hard time offering that to our spouse. "ME mode"is probably the most destructive pattern in any marriage. When we get caught up in ourselves, we forget the other. Marriage is all about WE. Remember that, and you have increased the likelihood of success in your marriage a hundredfold.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
You see, they were caught in "ME mode."What I mean by that is they were not even able to see outside of themselves. They were not able to see how they were getting in the way of the relationship. Each one pointing the finger at the other. In fact, every conversation quickly went back to "what's wrong with you."
I couldn't see how they could make any changes because they were so caught up in seeing why the other person was wrong. They were never able to see why they were wrong. What a catastrophe! I couldn't believe that we couldn't go even 30 seconds without one pointing the finger at the other end telling me how right he or she was and how wrong the other person was!
You see, even therapist get frustrated sometimes! I played referee for an entire hour! At the end of the time, I suggested that each one needed to decide whether they wanted to really make any changes, or just point out the faults of the other person.
Sadly, this couple could probably fix their marriage with little effort... IF they were willing to see that each one had fault. I just needed a little room. I didn't need any major changes. All that needed to happen was for one or the other to decide that it was not just the other person's fault.
So why do we drive each other crazy? Why are marriages so difficult? Because we are rarely honest with our spouse. More than that, we are rarely honest with ourselves. Over time, everyone of us builds up resentments. Over time, few of us share our resentments. Each one may be very small, but if you add them up, you've created a tinderbox that leads to marital distress, frustration, and ignited of anger.
I am not suggesting that we have to tell our spouse everything that is on our mind. In fact, that would be quite destructive to the relationship. However, we often refuse to even tell the few things that could make a real difference in our marriage. In this case, the man simply wanted to feel like he was liked. Oddly, his wife did like him. She just didn't express it in ways that he recognized. Tragic!
For her side, she kept waiting for him to tell her exactly what he was upset about. Why didn't he? Because in his family, the rule of thumb was to not fight, not argue, and not tell what you wanted. Her family? They fought it out, argued it out, and told you exactly what they wanted.
Two different families, two different roles. And spouses the didn't talk about it. In fact, didn't even recognize it. Now, a marriage is about to end because both people think they are correct, and are definite that the other is wrong.
My advice? First, couples need to get in the habit of talking about the little difficulties. We wait until they build up, they suddenly become very personal, very painful, and almost always intractable.
Second, we humans are a lot like animals. At least in how we train each other. If behavior gives us something that we want, we keep doing it! For example, my dog is one big Labrador retriever. His head can easily rest on our table. Every now and then, my son lets a piece of cereal fall out of his bowl and onto his placemat. It only took a couple of times for my dog to realize that he got a treat as soon as my son left the table. Now, it is very hard to keep my dog away from the table.
When we humans get rewarded for "bad behavior," in other words, when our painful actions towards others gets rewarded, we tend to repeat the behavior, even if it hurts the other person. In fact, we often fail to see that it hurts the other person.
Couples train each other in what behavior works and what behavior doesn't work. Be careful in how you train your spouse. For example, with the couple I saw yesterday, when she pouted, he came to the rescue. But the difference between pouting and looking angry is very slight. Over time, her pout began to look like anger to him. From then on, she was pouting for attention, and he was feeling rejected.
Would either believe me if I told them about this? After about an hour of trying to convince them, I can tell you that neither one will believe what I'm saying. They have already made up their minds.
Third, one thing that is often missing in a marriage is our attempt to not just understand but to accept our spouse. All of us have our faults, and when we forget that, our spouse has a hard time living up to our expectations. Suddenly, all we can see are their faults.
So, the threat is in expecting perfection in our spouse, or seeing only fault. So here's the conundrum: we want to be accepted for who we are, but we have a hard time offering that to our spouse. "ME mode"is probably the most destructive pattern in any marriage. When we get caught up in ourselves, we forget the other. Marriage is all about WE. Remember that, and you have increased the likelihood of success in your marriage a hundredfold.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: acceptance, advice, free marriage advice, relationship advice, save marriage, save my marriage, save your marriage, what makes a marriage last
Monday, April 20, 2009
Revive To Thrive: New Video
Been following my information on building a thriving marriage? Well, the third video is now up. Again, no obligation or requirements. Just good information to help you discover what keeps you from having a thriving marriage. . . and what to do about it!
Take a look at the video HERE!
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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Take a look at the video HERE!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: change behavior, core beliefs, free marriage advice, free marriage video, lee baucom, resilience, thriving
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Core Beliefs: Why We Struggle To Change
Did you see my earlier post about my free video on changing your marriage by addressing your core beliefs? Well, that video created so much email that I made a second video. You can see the free marriage video here.
Here is an email I got yesterday (just one of about 100) about the video:
Here is an email I got yesterday (just one of about 100) about the video:
You wanted feedback? Well here is some:
That was from Phil S.
Take a look! No obligation, no signup. Just go here and it will load and play.
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Labels: core beliefs, free marriage advice, free marriage video, lee h. baucom, save marriage, save my marriage, save your marriage
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Top 10 Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage!
Here is my Top 10 Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage! This is a partial list of the mistakes I see people make when they want to save their marriage. Sometimes, it is best to learn from others' mistakes, rather than make it yourself.
10) Do nothing! Don't worry, the crisis (problem, situation, incident, threat, etc.) will pass!
Ah, the old "bury your head in the sand approach!" The reality is, it is very unlikely that the crisis will simply pass. Let's be honest: over time, this strategy builds up more and more resentment, then finally, everything falls apart. You can act surprised at that point, but you will know, deep down inside, that you ignored things way too long.
It is a cumulative effect, a marriage crisis. Rarely is there one "precipitating event" that suddenly ends the marriage. Instead, it is the problem ignored that adds to all the other problems ignored, which finally creates so much frustration that the "house of cards" falls.
So, the first useless strategy, just do nothing!
9) Refuse to get any outside help. Who needs it? You can do this yourself!
When you are in the middle of a marriage crisis, it is not time to "figure it out!" One of my favorite quotes is from Albert Einstein, "the same level of thinking that created the problem will not solve the problem." In other words, when we only use the thought processes that led us into trouble, we will not find a way out of the problem.
We all get stuck in our thought patterns. Once we establish them, we don't change much. Think about it: don't all of your spousal arguments basically follow the same pattern. Doesn't your daily routine pretty much go the same? We like "sameness," and change is a bit of a threat. Even the painful sameness is better than the unknown -- at least that's what we tend to believe.
Problem is, we find ourselves stuck, and without outside help and information, nothing will change, even if you want it to.
8) Grab some "free advice!" Hey, free is good, right?
Almost always, free advice is worth about that -- nothing! When you are injured, do you seek out some "free advice" on that injury? Or when you need some legal advice, do you just get some "free advice?"
So why, when your most important relationship is on the line, would you just try to use some free advice? Look, we live in a "transaction society." We make trades and transactions to get what we don't have. And knowledge is no different. People who give away advice are rarely giving away anything worthwhile.
The real question, if free is your goal, is how much do you REALLY treasure your relationship? If I told you how to save $20,000 instantly, would you pay for it? Well, that is the minimal cash value of your failed marriage. In other words, a divorce in the U.S. averages $20K. Save your marriage, save $20K.
And what about having a wonderful, loving, peaceful marriage? What is the worth of that? Really, what price would you put on that? I ask because I know of plenty of people who think nothing of grabbing a $4 coffee drink every day, a couple of $3 packs of cigarettes every day, a $30 bottle of wine on the weekend, subscribe to a $100 cable system, blah, blah, blah. Then, when they go looking for advice to save their marriage, want to find some free advice.
It is always about value, and the value you place on your marriage. Free advice? Probably more costly than you can ever realize in the long run.
7) Get some good books, then leave them on the bookstand. Maybe your spouse will at least think you are doing something!
We authors don't like to admit this, but statistics show that upwards of 80% of self-help books that are bought are never read. Imagine that! The answer may be right there! You took the time to get a resource, either because the cover looked nice, somebody recommended it, or because you were desperate.
Then, onto the bedside stand it goes, underneath the magazines, the daily paper, that good novel. . . then suddenly, it is lost.
The very bit of information that could save your marriage, stuck at the bottom of a stack, never to be read. Sound familiar? If so, time to dust off the information and give it a read! At least give it a chance. You've already invested your money in it. Why not give it a test drive?
6) Read the information, but then don't do anything! It won't work in your situation, anyway!
OK, so you dusted off that information, and even read it. . . but then you took no action! Maybe the information seemed impossible, far-fetched, too easy, too complicated, or just dead wrong! Now you do need to use your better judgement, but perhaps it is worth a try!
What you've been doing has clearly not gotten the results you wanted. So, perhaps it is time to try something new. Sometimes, new thinking seems foreign, unnatural. But it is really like anything new: repetition builds skill. What seems awkward begins to feel more natural. Suddenly, what seemed impossible seems elementary.
Again, remember Einstein's quote. Doing what you've done hasn't gotten you what you want. What's the risk of trying something different?
5) Get bad information from unqualified sources. Hey, any information is better than no information. . . right?
As you have already discovered, there are lots of "experts" willing to make a buck, er, tell you how to save your marriage. Be sure your "expert" is really just that. At a minimum, make sure they actually have some training, not just their own experience! They don't have to have a Ph.D., but if they can't tell you about their training, other than "been there, done that," move on!
Experts are experts because they have worked in the field, received training, and have some ideas on how to help you. The others are experts in marketing. Be sure and distinguish between the two.
Remember way back when the barbers who cut hair were also the "doctors?" They weren't trained, caused lots of damage, but that was the only choice. Well, we don't live in the "wild West" anymore, and there are plenty of real experts. Get their advice and avoid the damage of well-meaning but ill-equiped "experts."
4) Do everything at once! Hey, if a little is good, a lot is better. . . right?
Wrong! Many marriages have suffered from neglect for too long, until one day someone wakes up and says "enough." Then the other person jumps into high gear! They try to make "date nights," meaningful conversations, do the housework, get another job. . . just about anything to make it work!
Instead, pick a couple of things. Be consistent with them, and try a slow approach. Building from zero takes some time. But if you try the "everything at once" approach, you will scare your spouse away.
3) Argue, beg, plead, and show your emotions. Surely your spouse will see your sincerity to save the marriage!
This is a very common situation. You see, we all are master "scriptwriters," often ready for Hollywood. . . at least in our minds! We assume a spouse will see the wisdom of our logic, emotions, begging and pleading. Problem is, they are working off a different script.
If I throw someone a rope and when they grab it, I start pulling, their reflex is to pull back, matching power with power. It is no different in verbal tug-of-war. The harder I try to convince someone of something counter to what they have said, the reflex for that person to become even more entrenched in the belief.
So the arguing, "reasoning," begging and pleading have the opposite effect and actually hasten the dissolution of the relationship.
2) Let your spouse know your theory about how this is really about their "issue." Then they will see how unhealthy they are!
Here is how to throw even more gas on the fire: when your spouse says he or she wants to leave, point out how it is a) their midlife crisis, b) they are never satisfied, c) really about their dysfunctional family, c) some other diagnosis you read about or saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.
You may be dead-on! Problem is, you are not going to be seen as an objective provider of a diagnosis. Instead, you will only be strengthening the sense of frustration that your spouse is feeling. Diagnosis is best done, if at all, by an impartial, outside expert or by one's self.
1) Try to prove how much you need them! Surely, just seeing they are needed will get them to stay!
Neediness is never attractive, and when someone wants to leave, feeling the neediness only throws fuel on the fire. People want to be wanted, but not desperately needed! And in the midst of a crisis, the last thing someone wants is to feel manipulated.
I've seen people threaten to kill themselves to prove how much they need the other person. I have seen people refuse to pay bills, eat, take care of the kids, take care of the house, etc., etc., etc. And in every case, the person who wants out says "see?" It's hard to argue with that. Being needy is never attractive, and is even more so when someone wants nothing more than to not be needed.
Well, that is MY top ten list of how NOT to save a marriage while trying to save it. I could go on for many more. I think I have seen every mistake possible.
My hope is not that you become discouraged, but that you think through what you are doing and how you are doing it as you try to save your marriage. There is little more noble or heroic in today's society than trying to hold a relationship together. I just want to stress the need to do so in helpful, not harmful ways.
So, what are your list? In other words, what mistakes have you made in your efforts to save your marriage?
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
10) Do nothing! Don't worry, the crisis (problem, situation, incident, threat, etc.) will pass!
Ah, the old "bury your head in the sand approach!" The reality is, it is very unlikely that the crisis will simply pass. Let's be honest: over time, this strategy builds up more and more resentment, then finally, everything falls apart. You can act surprised at that point, but you will know, deep down inside, that you ignored things way too long.
It is a cumulative effect, a marriage crisis. Rarely is there one "precipitating event" that suddenly ends the marriage. Instead, it is the problem ignored that adds to all the other problems ignored, which finally creates so much frustration that the "house of cards" falls.
So, the first useless strategy, just do nothing!
9) Refuse to get any outside help. Who needs it? You can do this yourself!
When you are in the middle of a marriage crisis, it is not time to "figure it out!" One of my favorite quotes is from Albert Einstein, "the same level of thinking that created the problem will not solve the problem." In other words, when we only use the thought processes that led us into trouble, we will not find a way out of the problem.
We all get stuck in our thought patterns. Once we establish them, we don't change much. Think about it: don't all of your spousal arguments basically follow the same pattern. Doesn't your daily routine pretty much go the same? We like "sameness," and change is a bit of a threat. Even the painful sameness is better than the unknown -- at least that's what we tend to believe.
Problem is, we find ourselves stuck, and without outside help and information, nothing will change, even if you want it to.
8) Grab some "free advice!" Hey, free is good, right?
Almost always, free advice is worth about that -- nothing! When you are injured, do you seek out some "free advice" on that injury? Or when you need some legal advice, do you just get some "free advice?"
So why, when your most important relationship is on the line, would you just try to use some free advice? Look, we live in a "transaction society." We make trades and transactions to get what we don't have. And knowledge is no different. People who give away advice are rarely giving away anything worthwhile.
The real question, if free is your goal, is how much do you REALLY treasure your relationship? If I told you how to save $20,000 instantly, would you pay for it? Well, that is the minimal cash value of your failed marriage. In other words, a divorce in the U.S. averages $20K. Save your marriage, save $20K.
And what about having a wonderful, loving, peaceful marriage? What is the worth of that? Really, what price would you put on that? I ask because I know of plenty of people who think nothing of grabbing a $4 coffee drink every day, a couple of $3 packs of cigarettes every day, a $30 bottle of wine on the weekend, subscribe to a $100 cable system, blah, blah, blah. Then, when they go looking for advice to save their marriage, want to find some free advice.
It is always about value, and the value you place on your marriage. Free advice? Probably more costly than you can ever realize in the long run.
7) Get some good books, then leave them on the bookstand. Maybe your spouse will at least think you are doing something!
We authors don't like to admit this, but statistics show that upwards of 80% of self-help books that are bought are never read. Imagine that! The answer may be right there! You took the time to get a resource, either because the cover looked nice, somebody recommended it, or because you were desperate.
Then, onto the bedside stand it goes, underneath the magazines, the daily paper, that good novel. . . then suddenly, it is lost.
The very bit of information that could save your marriage, stuck at the bottom of a stack, never to be read. Sound familiar? If so, time to dust off the information and give it a read! At least give it a chance. You've already invested your money in it. Why not give it a test drive?
6) Read the information, but then don't do anything! It won't work in your situation, anyway!
OK, so you dusted off that information, and even read it. . . but then you took no action! Maybe the information seemed impossible, far-fetched, too easy, too complicated, or just dead wrong! Now you do need to use your better judgement, but perhaps it is worth a try!
What you've been doing has clearly not gotten the results you wanted. So, perhaps it is time to try something new. Sometimes, new thinking seems foreign, unnatural. But it is really like anything new: repetition builds skill. What seems awkward begins to feel more natural. Suddenly, what seemed impossible seems elementary.
Again, remember Einstein's quote. Doing what you've done hasn't gotten you what you want. What's the risk of trying something different?
5) Get bad information from unqualified sources. Hey, any information is better than no information. . . right?
As you have already discovered, there are lots of "experts" willing to make a buck, er, tell you how to save your marriage. Be sure your "expert" is really just that. At a minimum, make sure they actually have some training, not just their own experience! They don't have to have a Ph.D., but if they can't tell you about their training, other than "been there, done that," move on!
Experts are experts because they have worked in the field, received training, and have some ideas on how to help you. The others are experts in marketing. Be sure and distinguish between the two.
Remember way back when the barbers who cut hair were also the "doctors?" They weren't trained, caused lots of damage, but that was the only choice. Well, we don't live in the "wild West" anymore, and there are plenty of real experts. Get their advice and avoid the damage of well-meaning but ill-equiped "experts."
4) Do everything at once! Hey, if a little is good, a lot is better. . . right?
Wrong! Many marriages have suffered from neglect for too long, until one day someone wakes up and says "enough." Then the other person jumps into high gear! They try to make "date nights," meaningful conversations, do the housework, get another job. . . just about anything to make it work!
Instead, pick a couple of things. Be consistent with them, and try a slow approach. Building from zero takes some time. But if you try the "everything at once" approach, you will scare your spouse away.
3) Argue, beg, plead, and show your emotions. Surely your spouse will see your sincerity to save the marriage!
This is a very common situation. You see, we all are master "scriptwriters," often ready for Hollywood. . . at least in our minds! We assume a spouse will see the wisdom of our logic, emotions, begging and pleading. Problem is, they are working off a different script.
If I throw someone a rope and when they grab it, I start pulling, their reflex is to pull back, matching power with power. It is no different in verbal tug-of-war. The harder I try to convince someone of something counter to what they have said, the reflex for that person to become even more entrenched in the belief.
So the arguing, "reasoning," begging and pleading have the opposite effect and actually hasten the dissolution of the relationship.
2) Let your spouse know your theory about how this is really about their "issue." Then they will see how unhealthy they are!
Here is how to throw even more gas on the fire: when your spouse says he or she wants to leave, point out how it is a) their midlife crisis, b) they are never satisfied, c) really about their dysfunctional family, c) some other diagnosis you read about or saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.
You may be dead-on! Problem is, you are not going to be seen as an objective provider of a diagnosis. Instead, you will only be strengthening the sense of frustration that your spouse is feeling. Diagnosis is best done, if at all, by an impartial, outside expert or by one's self.
1) Try to prove how much you need them! Surely, just seeing they are needed will get them to stay!
Neediness is never attractive, and when someone wants to leave, feeling the neediness only throws fuel on the fire. People want to be wanted, but not desperately needed! And in the midst of a crisis, the last thing someone wants is to feel manipulated.
I've seen people threaten to kill themselves to prove how much they need the other person. I have seen people refuse to pay bills, eat, take care of the kids, take care of the house, etc., etc., etc. And in every case, the person who wants out says "see?" It's hard to argue with that. Being needy is never attractive, and is even more so when someone wants nothing more than to not be needed.
Well, that is MY top ten list of how NOT to save a marriage while trying to save it. I could go on for many more. I think I have seen every mistake possible.
My hope is not that you become discouraged, but that you think through what you are doing and how you are doing it as you try to save your marriage. There is little more noble or heroic in today's society than trying to hold a relationship together. I just want to stress the need to do so in helpful, not harmful ways.
So, what are your list? In other words, what mistakes have you made in your efforts to save your marriage?
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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: bad marriage advice, free marriage advice, help saving marriage, I can't save marriage, marriage advice, mistakes saving marriage
