Friday, July 31, 2009
Do You WANT Your Marriage, Or Are You Playing Tug-Of-War?
I spend a good portion of my week responding to consultation emails and working with clients. This week, I had two cases that reminded me of a very important fact: we all have a tendency to play tug-of-war.
Let me explain with a personal example. A couple of years ago, I was at a conference. In the afternoon session, we were asked to turn and face another person, and place our arms in an arm wrestling position.
The instructions were simple: touch each others' hand to the table as many times as possible in 60 seconds.
For the next minute, everyone in the room engaged in a strenuous match of arm wrestling. Few people got their count above 10, and that was mostly because of a mismatch in size and strength!
Then, the leaders pulled out a table and put their hands in position, but they cooperated! Each took turns having their hands hit to the table, and they were able to get over 90 touches in! They had given us the directions, but we were already poised to arm wrestle!
Now, back to saving marriages. When a spouse decides that he or she wants out, a tug-of-war can be set up. Our natural tendency is to pull in the opposite direction. In other words, they pull away, we pull toward the relationship!
So, this week, one woman told me how hard she was working to save her marriage. She also told me her husband had already had not one, not two, but three affairs! I suspect there were others! I told the woman that she needed to pause for a moment, and instead of trying to figure out how to save the marriage, she needed to ponder another question. She needed to decide on whether she could continue in a marriage with a philanderer. She suddenly realized that she could not do that.
The very next day, a woman started telling me about all her attempts to save her marriage, then noted the affair and abuse she had suffered through with her husband. Again, I got her to pause in her marriage-saving strategy and ask whether she wanted to have the marriage she was in. She is still thinking.
My point is this: are you just trying to save a marriage, or do you want that marriage? I am all about saving marriages, but I am also about having a marriage you want to have. Don't get caught up in saving a marriage, and fail to see that if you did save it, you wouldn't want it! Instead, focus on saving a marriage AND making it a marriage you can treasure!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Let me explain with a personal example. A couple of years ago, I was at a conference. In the afternoon session, we were asked to turn and face another person, and place our arms in an arm wrestling position.
The instructions were simple: touch each others' hand to the table as many times as possible in 60 seconds.
For the next minute, everyone in the room engaged in a strenuous match of arm wrestling. Few people got their count above 10, and that was mostly because of a mismatch in size and strength!
Then, the leaders pulled out a table and put their hands in position, but they cooperated! Each took turns having their hands hit to the table, and they were able to get over 90 touches in! They had given us the directions, but we were already poised to arm wrestle!
Now, back to saving marriages. When a spouse decides that he or she wants out, a tug-of-war can be set up. Our natural tendency is to pull in the opposite direction. In other words, they pull away, we pull toward the relationship!
So, this week, one woman told me how hard she was working to save her marriage. She also told me her husband had already had not one, not two, but three affairs! I suspect there were others! I told the woman that she needed to pause for a moment, and instead of trying to figure out how to save the marriage, she needed to ponder another question. She needed to decide on whether she could continue in a marriage with a philanderer. She suddenly realized that she could not do that.
The very next day, a woman started telling me about all her attempts to save her marriage, then noted the affair and abuse she had suffered through with her husband. Again, I got her to pause in her marriage-saving strategy and ask whether she wanted to have the marriage she was in. She is still thinking.
My point is this: are you just trying to save a marriage, or do you want that marriage? I am all about saving marriages, but I am also about having a marriage you want to have. Don't get caught up in saving a marriage, and fail to see that if you did save it, you wouldn't want it! Instead, focus on saving a marriage AND making it a marriage you can treasure!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: advice, commitment, free marriage advice, help saving marriage, improve marriage, marital advice, problems in marriage, save marriage, save my marriage, save your marriage
Friday, June 19, 2009
Four "You's" Could Save Your Marriage
Just a couple weeks ago, one of my clients gave me a bit of business advice that's been directly applicable to saving a marriage. I wanted to share it with you.
My client, who is a businessperson, was telling me that there are four important "you's" that are crucial for a business. They are crucial for any relationship. And they can be used in your marriage, starting today.
Here are the four "you's:"
1. "How are you?"
2. "What can I do for you?"
3. "Thank you."
4. "I appreciate/love you."
Those are the crucial four "you's." Do you see the power in them? Do you see how you could use them in your marriage? Do you see how those are not happening in your relationship?
What would happen, if you don't already do this, to have a conversation in the evening about how your spouse is doing? I don't mean the quick "how are you?" I mean really wondering how your spouse is doing. I mean sitting on the back porch and asking how your spouse is really doing. How often does this happen for you? If you're like most people, especially with troubled relationship, that conversation did not happen.
Or, what about asking what you can do for your spouse? Oftentimes, when relationships get into trouble, couples instinctively stop doing for each other. In good times, you may ask about what your spouse might like, what you could do for him or her. But when things get tough, the question often falls by the wayside. We start thinking "if you don't do for me, I won't do for you."
Yet that is exactly what might get the relationship moving forward. When one spouse makes some forward motion toward the other spouse, often he or she responds in a similar manner. It might not happen the first time, but that does not mean you don't do it again. In fact, you keep doing this one. As long as it takes!
Or how about. "Thank you?" Again, when the relationship is not well, this is something that we often stop saying. In fact, we stop even noticing that our spouse is doing doing anything for us. That only compounds the problem. When we stop noticing, people stop acting. So, in addition to doing for your spouse, look for what your spouse is doing for you. Then thank him or her.
The final "you" is about letting your spouse know that you appreciate him or her. You may not be ready to use the word "love" at this point, but can you let your spouse know what you appreciate about him or her? When marriages get into trouble, one thing that happens is that we feel completely unappreciated. We start acting in ways that continue that. In other words, if I don't feel appreciated, don't do anything to be appreciated. So, this one is letting someone know that they are appreciated.
By letting someone know this, the other person might begin to act in more appreciative and appreciable ways. At the very least, he or she will know that you are noticing what he or she is doing.
Many marriages could be saved simply if the other person felt appreciated and loved. The four questions can easily move you in that direction. Make it your habit to use these questions.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
My client, who is a businessperson, was telling me that there are four important "you's" that are crucial for a business. They are crucial for any relationship. And they can be used in your marriage, starting today.
Here are the four "you's:"
1. "How are you?"
2. "What can I do for you?"
3. "Thank you."
4. "I appreciate/love you."
Those are the crucial four "you's." Do you see the power in them? Do you see how you could use them in your marriage? Do you see how those are not happening in your relationship?
What would happen, if you don't already do this, to have a conversation in the evening about how your spouse is doing? I don't mean the quick "how are you?" I mean really wondering how your spouse is doing. I mean sitting on the back porch and asking how your spouse is really doing. How often does this happen for you? If you're like most people, especially with troubled relationship, that conversation did not happen.
Or, what about asking what you can do for your spouse? Oftentimes, when relationships get into trouble, couples instinctively stop doing for each other. In good times, you may ask about what your spouse might like, what you could do for him or her. But when things get tough, the question often falls by the wayside. We start thinking "if you don't do for me, I won't do for you."
Yet that is exactly what might get the relationship moving forward. When one spouse makes some forward motion toward the other spouse, often he or she responds in a similar manner. It might not happen the first time, but that does not mean you don't do it again. In fact, you keep doing this one. As long as it takes!
Or how about. "Thank you?" Again, when the relationship is not well, this is something that we often stop saying. In fact, we stop even noticing that our spouse is doing doing anything for us. That only compounds the problem. When we stop noticing, people stop acting. So, in addition to doing for your spouse, look for what your spouse is doing for you. Then thank him or her.
The final "you" is about letting your spouse know that you appreciate him or her. You may not be ready to use the word "love" at this point, but can you let your spouse know what you appreciate about him or her? When marriages get into trouble, one thing that happens is that we feel completely unappreciated. We start acting in ways that continue that. In other words, if I don't feel appreciated, don't do anything to be appreciated. So, this one is letting someone know that they are appreciated.
By letting someone know this, the other person might begin to act in more appreciative and appreciable ways. At the very least, he or she will know that you are noticing what he or she is doing.
Many marriages could be saved simply if the other person felt appreciated and loved. The four questions can easily move you in that direction. Make it your habit to use these questions.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: acceptance, advice, communication, free marriage advice, help saving marriage, I can't save marriage, improve marriage, marriage advice, what makes a marriage last
Friday, June 12, 2009
Marriage Is Tough
"Marriage shouldn't be that hard." That was the opening comment of my client this week. He was convinced that his marriage was doomed. He believe it was because his marriage had become difficult. He believed that this should not be the case.
I had to chuckle. Marriage is the most intense relationship that any two adults will have in their life. There's no way around it. Two people living together that intensely, making decisions together, having sex together, making decisions together, and doing everything else that married couple do are going to have difficulties. No way around it.
I turned to him and said "why do you say that?" He told me he just figured that marriages should just work. They shouldn't be hard work, and when there are problems, they should just be able to be solved instantly. Now, I don't generally laugh at my client, but it was all I could do to hold back the laughter, and only let out a chuckle. "You have got to be kidding," I said. "Marriage is tough, whether it is in good times or bad, marriage is tough."
I continued on for a second, "every single marriage has problems, the question is whether you work through them out or not. It is not a question of whether you will have problems." You see, I really believe that every marriage is destined to have difficulty. That is just the way it is. Statistically speaking, half of those couples will choose not to work on their problems. About half will find a way to deal with the problems. That does not mean that there were no problems, only that they discovered how to deal with the problem.
"Come with me," I said my client. I walked my client to the window. We looked out onto the parking lot. I pointed to car and said "is that yours?" "Yes," he said, "that's my car. Looks pretty nice doesn't it?" I had to admit, it with a pretty nice car. It looked like it was well taken care of. I asked, "did you just grab the car, or did you do some research? Did you, when you were getting ready to buy it, maybe buy a car magazine? Did you look up the price on the Internet, maybe even did you research on what other people thought about the car?"
"Yes, I sure did! I spent months looking at my options. I probably went to the dealer like 10 times." He chuckled, "my wife was tired of hearing about that car." So then I asked, "have you had any problems with the car?" My client thought for a second. "Well, yes. It made some funny noises."
"What did you do?" I asked. He responded, "first, I looked it up on the Internet. Then, I bought a book about the model of car I had. I found out that it was a fairly common problem, and it only needed a little bit of tightening of a couple of bolts to stop it." I continued, "and did you do it yourself? Or did you take it to the dealer?"
"I took it to the dealer. They are the experts on this." "So, you didn't sell the car?" I pushed him. "No. It was just a little problem." I pushed a little harder, "I'll bet you would have had bigger problems if you hadn't fixed it, and let it go on and on."
"Probably so... Doc, is this about my car or about my marriage?" He had me. He knew I was really talking about his marriage. "How long have you been having problems?" I asked. He thought for a second, then said, "probably four or five years. But we had some of the same problems even before we got married."
"Did you get a book about marriage? Did you talk to a therapist? Did you go to a seminar? Did you do anything that might address the issues?" I asked. I knew I had him. Just like most people, he had a problem in his relationship, but he didn't seek good advice. In fact, as far as I can tell, the only people he talked to were his drinking buddies. Not the best place to go for marriage advice.
Marriage is tough. It's tough because it requires us to set ourselves and our ego aside for the betterment of both of us. In other words, we have to get outside of ourselves, and look at the greater good of both people. That does not mean that one person has to give up everything. But it does mean that it takes looking at the good of the relationship when making decisions.
Someone once said, "You can either be right. Or you can be happy, but you can't be both." This is especially true in marriage. If you insist on being right, you both will be miserable. Choose to be happy. And when there is a problem, recognize that is normal, then seek out some help in resolving it.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
I had to chuckle. Marriage is the most intense relationship that any two adults will have in their life. There's no way around it. Two people living together that intensely, making decisions together, having sex together, making decisions together, and doing everything else that married couple do are going to have difficulties. No way around it.
I turned to him and said "why do you say that?" He told me he just figured that marriages should just work. They shouldn't be hard work, and when there are problems, they should just be able to be solved instantly. Now, I don't generally laugh at my client, but it was all I could do to hold back the laughter, and only let out a chuckle. "You have got to be kidding," I said. "Marriage is tough, whether it is in good times or bad, marriage is tough."
I continued on for a second, "every single marriage has problems, the question is whether you work through them out or not. It is not a question of whether you will have problems." You see, I really believe that every marriage is destined to have difficulty. That is just the way it is. Statistically speaking, half of those couples will choose not to work on their problems. About half will find a way to deal with the problems. That does not mean that there were no problems, only that they discovered how to deal with the problem.
"Come with me," I said my client. I walked my client to the window. We looked out onto the parking lot. I pointed to car and said "is that yours?" "Yes," he said, "that's my car. Looks pretty nice doesn't it?" I had to admit, it with a pretty nice car. It looked like it was well taken care of. I asked, "did you just grab the car, or did you do some research? Did you, when you were getting ready to buy it, maybe buy a car magazine? Did you look up the price on the Internet, maybe even did you research on what other people thought about the car?"
"Yes, I sure did! I spent months looking at my options. I probably went to the dealer like 10 times." He chuckled, "my wife was tired of hearing about that car." So then I asked, "have you had any problems with the car?" My client thought for a second. "Well, yes. It made some funny noises."
"What did you do?" I asked. He responded, "first, I looked it up on the Internet. Then, I bought a book about the model of car I had. I found out that it was a fairly common problem, and it only needed a little bit of tightening of a couple of bolts to stop it." I continued, "and did you do it yourself? Or did you take it to the dealer?"
"I took it to the dealer. They are the experts on this." "So, you didn't sell the car?" I pushed him. "No. It was just a little problem." I pushed a little harder, "I'll bet you would have had bigger problems if you hadn't fixed it, and let it go on and on."
"Probably so... Doc, is this about my car or about my marriage?" He had me. He knew I was really talking about his marriage. "How long have you been having problems?" I asked. He thought for a second, then said, "probably four or five years. But we had some of the same problems even before we got married."
"Did you get a book about marriage? Did you talk to a therapist? Did you go to a seminar? Did you do anything that might address the issues?" I asked. I knew I had him. Just like most people, he had a problem in his relationship, but he didn't seek good advice. In fact, as far as I can tell, the only people he talked to were his drinking buddies. Not the best place to go for marriage advice.
Marriage is tough. It's tough because it requires us to set ourselves and our ego aside for the betterment of both of us. In other words, we have to get outside of ourselves, and look at the greater good of both people. That does not mean that one person has to give up everything. But it does mean that it takes looking at the good of the relationship when making decisions.
Someone once said, "You can either be right. Or you can be happy, but you can't be both." This is especially true in marriage. If you insist on being right, you both will be miserable. Choose to be happy. And when there is a problem, recognize that is normal, then seek out some help in resolving it.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: improve marriage, it's not my fault, marriage advice, mistakes saving marriage, problems in marriage, save marriage, save my marriage, save your marriage, what makes a marriage last
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
New Year's Resolutions For Your Marriage
I remember when I was back in school. At the end of each semester, I was so tired of that class, and just ready to move on. During college, it probably had something to do with being ready to leave behind the classes where I had maxed out my skips!In any event, it was always nice to have a fresh start. I think that really is why we like New Year's Day. It marks the start of something fresh.
And something fresh only becomes something useful when we are intentional. So, every year, I make a few resolutions. Not too many. Then, they don't fall away. And I really try to keep them.
You are probably familiar with those resolutions that people make, then let fall away within a couple of weeks. The gyms are full on the 2nd, and empty by the 20th. My secret: I make sure I can see them everyday. I post them for myself to see, and remind myself of them.
This year, my resolutions are:
5) Focus on being more grateful.
4) Express that gratitude.
3) Avoid surrounding myself with negativity.
2) So that I can be more positive.
. . . and my biggy:
1) Finish my book on thriving!
Now, how about you? Specifically, what are your resolutions about your marriage? How will YOU be different du
ring the next year to improve your marriage?This is what I really like about resolutions -- they can't be about what someone else should do. And that is what we often get into when we think about marriage. We think about how our spouse ought to be different. A resolution puts it back into YOUR court! How will YOU be different?
Remember me back in school? I didn't make it a fresh start by leaving school. I just made it a fresh start by taking another class, opening another chapter in life. I still had to deal with my grade-point average, so it was not just leaving everything behind. It was just a new start.
It is the same with your marriage resolution. Don't think that your resolution is a fresh start without the marriage, without a past. Instead, make a mark in the sand. Decide you will move forward and leave what has happened behind. Move forward.
Some hints about your resolution:
- Be specific.
- Figure out how you will measure it.
- Make sure it is about you.
- Put it somewhere you will see it EVERY DAY!
- Stick to it. Make it a habit.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: I can't save marriage, improve marriage, marriage resolution, new years, new years resolutions, resolutions
