Wednesday, August 19, 2009
"How Dare You Tell Me To Save My Marriage!"
. . . that was the opening line from an email I just received. The writer was clearly angry, feeling that I was pressuring her into saving her marriage.
So let me be clear, I DO NOT pressure people into trying to save their marriages. Obviously, I do think that marriages should be saved, but I leave the decision to do that with the couple. I am not on some crusade to save every marriage. I am, however, available to help people who want to save their marriages.
There are some who simply believe marriage is a bygone relic of past days. Those folks tend to be people justifying their behavior. Marriage has withstood the test of time as a way of 1) raising a family, 2) finding intimacy, 3) growing and developing, and 4) finding happiness and meaning. Not every marriage makes it that far, but the potential is there.
Should every marriage be saved? No, I am quite clear that I do not think people in abusive relationships should save their marriage. That said, the choice to discard a marriage seems to be taken very lightly these days. It is as if there are no consequences.
Yet study after study shows that children are negatively impacted by divorce. Earlier studies showing differently have been disproven.
The emotional toll on the couple is huge. In time, people do recover, but not without time and effort. That same time and effort would likely have yielded a happy marriage. Funny how that works out!
Financially, a divorce can be devastating. The average cost of divorce in the United States? $20,000. That is the average. Saving a marriage? Almost free!
Oh, and that doesn't factor in the loss of equity in real estate, worth of retirement funds, loss of savings, child support, maintenance, and lots of other costs that people seem to lose sight of on the way out the door.
Do I force people to save their marriages? Absolutely not! Do I think MANY marriages that end could be saved? Absolutely!
Again, it is a couple's choice on whether to work to save a marriage. I just know that when people are in pain, we become short-sighted and take what we think is the most direct approach to getting rid of the pain. Unfortunately, it often gets us to chase the wrong target.
If you want to know how to save your marriage, count me in. If you'd rather not, I wish you well.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
So let me be clear, I DO NOT pressure people into trying to save their marriages. Obviously, I do think that marriages should be saved, but I leave the decision to do that with the couple. I am not on some crusade to save every marriage. I am, however, available to help people who want to save their marriages.
There are some who simply believe marriage is a bygone relic of past days. Those folks tend to be people justifying their behavior. Marriage has withstood the test of time as a way of 1) raising a family, 2) finding intimacy, 3) growing and developing, and 4) finding happiness and meaning. Not every marriage makes it that far, but the potential is there.
Should every marriage be saved? No, I am quite clear that I do not think people in abusive relationships should save their marriage. That said, the choice to discard a marriage seems to be taken very lightly these days. It is as if there are no consequences.
Yet study after study shows that children are negatively impacted by divorce. Earlier studies showing differently have been disproven.
The emotional toll on the couple is huge. In time, people do recover, but not without time and effort. That same time and effort would likely have yielded a happy marriage. Funny how that works out!
Financially, a divorce can be devastating. The average cost of divorce in the United States? $20,000. That is the average. Saving a marriage? Almost free!
Oh, and that doesn't factor in the loss of equity in real estate, worth of retirement funds, loss of savings, child support, maintenance, and lots of other costs that people seem to lose sight of on the way out the door.
Do I force people to save their marriages? Absolutely not! Do I think MANY marriages that end could be saved? Absolutely!
Again, it is a couple's choice on whether to work to save a marriage. I just know that when people are in pain, we become short-sighted and take what we think is the most direct approach to getting rid of the pain. Unfortunately, it often gets us to chase the wrong target.
If you want to know how to save your marriage, count me in. If you'd rather not, I wish you well.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: advice, divorce, help saving marriage, I can't save marriage, internet marriage advice, it's not my fault, marital advice, marital help, marriage advice, save marriage, save my marriage
Friday, June 12, 2009
Marriage Is Tough
"Marriage shouldn't be that hard." That was the opening comment of my client this week. He was convinced that his marriage was doomed. He believe it was because his marriage had become difficult. He believed that this should not be the case.
I had to chuckle. Marriage is the most intense relationship that any two adults will have in their life. There's no way around it. Two people living together that intensely, making decisions together, having sex together, making decisions together, and doing everything else that married couple do are going to have difficulties. No way around it.
I turned to him and said "why do you say that?" He told me he just figured that marriages should just work. They shouldn't be hard work, and when there are problems, they should just be able to be solved instantly. Now, I don't generally laugh at my client, but it was all I could do to hold back the laughter, and only let out a chuckle. "You have got to be kidding," I said. "Marriage is tough, whether it is in good times or bad, marriage is tough."
I continued on for a second, "every single marriage has problems, the question is whether you work through them out or not. It is not a question of whether you will have problems." You see, I really believe that every marriage is destined to have difficulty. That is just the way it is. Statistically speaking, half of those couples will choose not to work on their problems. About half will find a way to deal with the problems. That does not mean that there were no problems, only that they discovered how to deal with the problem.
"Come with me," I said my client. I walked my client to the window. We looked out onto the parking lot. I pointed to car and said "is that yours?" "Yes," he said, "that's my car. Looks pretty nice doesn't it?" I had to admit, it with a pretty nice car. It looked like it was well taken care of. I asked, "did you just grab the car, or did you do some research? Did you, when you were getting ready to buy it, maybe buy a car magazine? Did you look up the price on the Internet, maybe even did you research on what other people thought about the car?"
"Yes, I sure did! I spent months looking at my options. I probably went to the dealer like 10 times." He chuckled, "my wife was tired of hearing about that car." So then I asked, "have you had any problems with the car?" My client thought for a second. "Well, yes. It made some funny noises."
"What did you do?" I asked. He responded, "first, I looked it up on the Internet. Then, I bought a book about the model of car I had. I found out that it was a fairly common problem, and it only needed a little bit of tightening of a couple of bolts to stop it." I continued, "and did you do it yourself? Or did you take it to the dealer?"
"I took it to the dealer. They are the experts on this." "So, you didn't sell the car?" I pushed him. "No. It was just a little problem." I pushed a little harder, "I'll bet you would have had bigger problems if you hadn't fixed it, and let it go on and on."
"Probably so... Doc, is this about my car or about my marriage?" He had me. He knew I was really talking about his marriage. "How long have you been having problems?" I asked. He thought for a second, then said, "probably four or five years. But we had some of the same problems even before we got married."
"Did you get a book about marriage? Did you talk to a therapist? Did you go to a seminar? Did you do anything that might address the issues?" I asked. I knew I had him. Just like most people, he had a problem in his relationship, but he didn't seek good advice. In fact, as far as I can tell, the only people he talked to were his drinking buddies. Not the best place to go for marriage advice.
Marriage is tough. It's tough because it requires us to set ourselves and our ego aside for the betterment of both of us. In other words, we have to get outside of ourselves, and look at the greater good of both people. That does not mean that one person has to give up everything. But it does mean that it takes looking at the good of the relationship when making decisions.
Someone once said, "You can either be right. Or you can be happy, but you can't be both." This is especially true in marriage. If you insist on being right, you both will be miserable. Choose to be happy. And when there is a problem, recognize that is normal, then seek out some help in resolving it.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
I had to chuckle. Marriage is the most intense relationship that any two adults will have in their life. There's no way around it. Two people living together that intensely, making decisions together, having sex together, making decisions together, and doing everything else that married couple do are going to have difficulties. No way around it.
I turned to him and said "why do you say that?" He told me he just figured that marriages should just work. They shouldn't be hard work, and when there are problems, they should just be able to be solved instantly. Now, I don't generally laugh at my client, but it was all I could do to hold back the laughter, and only let out a chuckle. "You have got to be kidding," I said. "Marriage is tough, whether it is in good times or bad, marriage is tough."
I continued on for a second, "every single marriage has problems, the question is whether you work through them out or not. It is not a question of whether you will have problems." You see, I really believe that every marriage is destined to have difficulty. That is just the way it is. Statistically speaking, half of those couples will choose not to work on their problems. About half will find a way to deal with the problems. That does not mean that there were no problems, only that they discovered how to deal with the problem.
"Come with me," I said my client. I walked my client to the window. We looked out onto the parking lot. I pointed to car and said "is that yours?" "Yes," he said, "that's my car. Looks pretty nice doesn't it?" I had to admit, it with a pretty nice car. It looked like it was well taken care of. I asked, "did you just grab the car, or did you do some research? Did you, when you were getting ready to buy it, maybe buy a car magazine? Did you look up the price on the Internet, maybe even did you research on what other people thought about the car?"
"Yes, I sure did! I spent months looking at my options. I probably went to the dealer like 10 times." He chuckled, "my wife was tired of hearing about that car." So then I asked, "have you had any problems with the car?" My client thought for a second. "Well, yes. It made some funny noises."
"What did you do?" I asked. He responded, "first, I looked it up on the Internet. Then, I bought a book about the model of car I had. I found out that it was a fairly common problem, and it only needed a little bit of tightening of a couple of bolts to stop it." I continued, "and did you do it yourself? Or did you take it to the dealer?"
"I took it to the dealer. They are the experts on this." "So, you didn't sell the car?" I pushed him. "No. It was just a little problem." I pushed a little harder, "I'll bet you would have had bigger problems if you hadn't fixed it, and let it go on and on."
"Probably so... Doc, is this about my car or about my marriage?" He had me. He knew I was really talking about his marriage. "How long have you been having problems?" I asked. He thought for a second, then said, "probably four or five years. But we had some of the same problems even before we got married."
"Did you get a book about marriage? Did you talk to a therapist? Did you go to a seminar? Did you do anything that might address the issues?" I asked. I knew I had him. Just like most people, he had a problem in his relationship, but he didn't seek good advice. In fact, as far as I can tell, the only people he talked to were his drinking buddies. Not the best place to go for marriage advice.
Marriage is tough. It's tough because it requires us to set ourselves and our ego aside for the betterment of both of us. In other words, we have to get outside of ourselves, and look at the greater good of both people. That does not mean that one person has to give up everything. But it does mean that it takes looking at the good of the relationship when making decisions.
Someone once said, "You can either be right. Or you can be happy, but you can't be both." This is especially true in marriage. If you insist on being right, you both will be miserable. Choose to be happy. And when there is a problem, recognize that is normal, then seek out some help in resolving it.
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.
Labels: improve marriage, it's not my fault, marriage advice, mistakes saving marriage, problems in marriage, save marriage, save my marriage, save your marriage, what makes a marriage last
Monday, February 11, 2008
Excuse #4: "It's Not My Fault!"
I have heard that one over and over: "It's not my fault!" There are two subtexts to this:
1: "Since I am innocent, why should I have to do something?"
2: "Since I didn't cause it, what can I do?"
Let's say your house is on fire. Perhaps you didn't cause the fire, but do you stand there and say, "this isn't my fault" while the building burns around you, or do you take responsibility to get yourself and any others you can out of harms way?
While that one seems obvious, that is basically the issue at hand: we do not have to be at fault to take responsibility! In fact, those who study resilience (how people bounce back after challenges and crises), have found that this is one of the central issues that determines a person's resilience. Can we take responsibility for making situations change without having to take the blame?
In fact, I would go so far as to say that blame should be dropped as an issue in marriage. Blame is always looking backward. Marriages recovering is about moving forward. To say it more simply, blame = backward, stuck, failure; responsibility = forward, progress, success.
And to apply the "burning house" metaphor further, why do you have to take action? Because the house is on fire! There are no options but to take action.
But to continue pushing against this excuse, I have yet to find a couple where one or the other was entirely blameless. We all act in ways that are not optimal. We all do things that hurt those we love. We all find ourselves responding in ways that surprise and sadden us.
In other words, we all have something we can work on. At times, the situation is this: we have worked to hard to make the relationship work that we are no longer being true to ourselves. Then, our task is to get back to the place where we are healthy. If we do that, we are taking responsibility for our own lives. We are able to make healthy changes in our lives that will likely lead to healthier places in our marriages.
"It's not my fault" is only an excuse to keep from taking responsibility. Don't fall for it.
Ready to take responsibility? Grab my ebook and get started!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
1: "Since I am innocent, why should I have to do something?"
2: "Since I didn't cause it, what can I do?"
Let's say your house is on fire. Perhaps you didn't cause the fire, but do you stand there and say, "this isn't my fault" while the building burns around you, or do you take responsibility to get yourself and any others you can out of harms way?
While that one seems obvious, that is basically the issue at hand: we do not have to be at fault to take responsibility! In fact, those who study resilience (how people bounce back after challenges and crises), have found that this is one of the central issues that determines a person's resilience. Can we take responsibility for making situations change without having to take the blame?
In fact, I would go so far as to say that blame should be dropped as an issue in marriage. Blame is always looking backward. Marriages recovering is about moving forward. To say it more simply, blame = backward, stuck, failure; responsibility = forward, progress, success.
And to apply the "burning house" metaphor further, why do you have to take action? Because the house is on fire! There are no options but to take action.
But to continue pushing against this excuse, I have yet to find a couple where one or the other was entirely blameless. We all act in ways that are not optimal. We all do things that hurt those we love. We all find ourselves responding in ways that surprise and sadden us.
In other words, we all have something we can work on. At times, the situation is this: we have worked to hard to make the relationship work that we are no longer being true to ourselves. Then, our task is to get back to the place where we are healthy. If we do that, we are taking responsibility for our own lives. We are able to make healthy changes in our lives that will likely lead to healthier places in our marriages.
"It's not my fault" is only an excuse to keep from taking responsibility. Don't fall for it.
Ready to take responsibility? Grab my ebook and get started!
********************
More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.
Labels: change behavior, I can't save marriage, it's not my fault, save marriage
