Save The Marriage

. . . that was the opening line from an email I just received. The writer was clearly angry, feeling that I was pressuring her into saving her marriage.

So let me be clear, I DO NOT pressure people into trying to save their marriages. Obviously, I do think that marriages should be saved, but I leave the decision to do that with the couple. I am not on some crusade to save every marriage. I am, however, available to help people who want to save their marriages.

There are some who simply believe marriage is a bygone relic of past days. Those folks tend to be people justifying their behavior. Marriage has withstood the test of time as a way of 1) raising a family, 2) finding intimacy, 3) growing and developing, and 4) finding happiness and meaning. Not every marriage makes it that far, but the potential is there.

Should every marriage be saved? No, I am quite clear that I do not think people in abusive relationships should save their marriage. That said, the choice to discard a marriage seems to be taken very lightly these days. It is as if there are no consequences.

Yet study after study shows that children are negatively impacted by divorce. Earlier studies showing differently have been disproven.

The emotional toll on the couple is huge. In time, people do recover, but not without time and effort. That same time and effort would likely have yielded a happy marriage. Funny how that works out!

Financially, a divorce can be devastating. The average cost of divorce in the United States? $20,000. That is the average. Saving a marriage? Almost free!

Oh, and that doesn't factor in the loss of equity in real estate, worth of retirement funds, loss of savings, child support, maintenance, and lots of other costs that people seem to lose sight of on the way out the door.

Do I force people to save their marriages? Absolutely not! Do I think MANY marriages that end could be saved? Absolutely!

Again, it is a couple's choice on whether to work to save a marriage. I just know that when people are in pain, we become short-sighted and take what we think is the most direct approach to getting rid of the pain. Unfortunately, it often gets us to chase the wrong target.

If you want to know how to save your marriage, count me in. If you'd rather not, I wish you well.


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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Labels: advice, divorce, help saving marriage, I can't save marriage, internet marriage advice, it's not my fault, marital advice, marital help, marriage advice, save marriage, save my marriage

Do you feel hopeless and unable to change the outcome of your relationship? Then excuse #3 may be the thought that is running through your mind: "I want to do something, but there isn't anything I can do."

Henry Ford said "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you are right." In other words, part of the issue is the mindset we enter a problem with. No doubt, you have tried to improve things in the past, and perhaps found no success.

But I would contend that a lack of success in the past does not predict a lack of success in the future. . . unless you just do the same thing you were doing before!

Another quote I love is from Albert Einstein. He wrote: "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." Think about that -- if you are thinking and acting in the same way you were when the relationship was deteriorating, then that thinking is not going to change the outcome. You end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy: same thinking equals failed relationship.

The point of getting outside help is getting a shift in thinking. When you see things differently, then you will have new tools with which to fix the relationship. It is like going into a home project with only a hammer and nails. Sometimes, you need a screwdriver and screws, or maybe even a saw.

Whenever you gain new tools, you gain new capacities for changing. Whenever you discover new understandings, you discover new possibilities for change. I was an amateur magician in my childhood. I remember having bought this really great magic trick at the magic shop. Little did I know that it actually required a bit of sleight-of-hand (I was hoping for the self-working!).

In the car, I discovered I COULD NOT do this trick. But I kept working at it. Then, I suddenly realized what I needed to do. The instructions had been there all along, but in an instant, they made sense! I could suddenly do the magic trick!

Now, I am not suggesting that your marital problems are as simple as a magic trick, but I have been in the field long enough to know that the problems are more basic and simple to solve than most people wish to believe.

Your task is to quit playing the victim excuse, "I can't do anything," in your head, and find some new ways of thinking and some new tools to work on your marriage. I invite you to try my ebook as a way to to this. You can grab it by CLICKING HERE.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Labels: change behavior, communication, I can't save marriage, marital advice, marital help, marriage advice, problems in marriage, save marriage, save your marriage

Here's another excuse I hear over and over from people. "I can't afford your information. It sounds great, but I'm broke!"

Often, they follow this up with "I can find free advice" or "X is cheaper than you." Both statements are correct. You CAN find advice that is free. And you can find cheaper advice. But as they say, You Get What You Pay For!

Why is that advice free? Because it has little value. There is a joke: "What do you call someone who graduates at the bottom of their medical school class? Doctor." But is that who you want to entrust your health to? The person who was at the bottom of the heap? Not me! I want someone who is tops in their field. I want someone who knows what they are doing. I want someone with the right knowledge. I WANT THE RIGHT ANSWER! I don't want just any answer. I want one that gets me better.

Or an attorney. You can go get legal advice from an attorney who deals with anything that comes through his door, and maybe you will pay less than $100 per hour. Or you can find the person who can deal with your situation, a specialized attorney, and pay a little (or a lot) more. But you will at least get the RIGHT answer.

Anyone can give you an answer. And some of those answers will make things worse. Or you can get the answer that will help you.

I always find this excuse baffling. Do you know the average cost (not just legal bills, but lost resources, investments, equity, etc.) of a divorce in America? $30,000. That doesn't even begin to calculate the loss over the years (2 homes, extra clothes for the kids, competing gifts, etc., etc., etc.) or the emotional and physical toll. The cost of a divorce is astronomical! The attorney's fees for a decent divorce attorney start at $150 per hour, and go upwards of $500 per hour!

Or call a plumber to run his snake through the clogged pipe. 15 minutes, and you will pay upwards of $200, and you will gladly do it to take care of a crisis.

Trust me when I tell you: if you have found your way here, you have a crisis. You can deal with it now, or you can deal with it later, but the cost will keep going up.

If you are ready to save your marriage, I would tell you: you can't afford not to!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Labels: divorce, filing for divorce, marital advice, marital help, marriage advice, problems in marriage, save marriage, save your marriage, stopping divorce

Here in the States, it is Memorial Day. For some people, this is a remembrance for those who gave their lives in war.

But for most folks, it simply marks the beginning of the summer season. Ah, the livin' is easy. . . at least according to the songs.

School is out in most places, and the atmosphere just takes on a little more relaxed pace. People are out playing ball, taking a walk, swinging on the front porch, taking a vacation. Things just seem to slow down.

For me, summer marks a shift in marriages. Many marriages will end this season. Summer brings with it a break in the routine, and for many people, a transition point in marriage. Some people have been silently making plans. Other times, the couple have been marking the days until summer to finally take action.

The ending dates are predictable in lots of cases: just after the holidays, after an important date (birthdays), before important dates (anniversaries), and summertime. This is especially true when kids are involved. The couple reasons that there are several months for everyone to adjust.

Bad news: there is never a good time to end a relationship. Rationalize it all you want, but there is never a good way, never a good time, and never a least-damaging way.

My hope is that people will take the summer and work on their relationships. The slowdown means there are less activities that are scheduled. Spend some time together. Play together as a family. Choose to forgive and move ahead. Keep the marriage together!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Labels: marital advice, marital help, marriage advice, relationship advice, save marriage

People ask me for my "best advice" in working on a marriage. It is simple, but not easy. My advice for marriage is "be genuine."

Why is this hard? Because when a marriage is in trouble, we immediately try to find ways of manipulating the situation to get some movement from our spouse. It is only natural for people to try to find an angle to work. And it may be the angle you are trying to work is for good motive (a rebuilt marriage, I would count as a good motive).

What I often tell people when they are working on their marriage is to take a hard look at who they have become in the marriage, consider who they really are that they have left behind, and become that person again. We mold ourselves and allow ourselves to be molded based in part on what we think our spouse wants. Then we are greatly surprised to find that we are not what our spouse wants.

In reality, we have become something that is disingenuous. We are not ourselves anymore. We have become what we think the other wants. This is especially true when our spouse seems to be the one that doesn't want us. We tend to quickly shift to what we think will work.

(For those who have had an unfaithful spouse, this is particularly true. We try to transform ourselves into someone that is desired. And in almost all cases, we miss the point of the affair. It was about a disconnect, not about who you are.)

So, my antidote to this painful place is to become more genuine. Become who your best self is. Forget trying to be who you think your spouse wants you to be. It is 1) impossible, and 2) unfair for your spouse to want you to be something you are not. (OK, if you don't shower and smell bad, I would say it is fair for your spouse to ask for you to be clean, but for the most part, any change of any depth is unfair.)

When a marriage is in trouble, both partners tend to fall into the belief that the other person needs to change. And if one person really wants to save the marriage, he or she can feel this pressure and try to become what the other seems to want.

Now hear me clearly: change is not the problem. Changing to try to fit what you think the other person wants, that is the problem. Become a better person. Focus on improving yourself. . . but not to save the marriage; to be a better person!

At the end of the day, you have to look in the mirror and determine whether you like yourself or not. And if you are not who you truly are, you will not like yourself. If you are genuine, and your change is out of your own desire to improve and be a better person, then you can look in the mirror and greet yourself.

And guess what? A genuine person is genuinely attractive. Your ability to improve and save the marriage will paradoxically rise when you stop trying to be something you think your spouse wants.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Labels: m, marital advice, marital help, marriage advice, save marriage

Today, I want to draw a distinction. It is a simple one, but one that is crucial for the success of marriage.

Here it is: Someone can love you, and not meet your needs. You can love someone and not meet their needs.

And here is what I mean: when we have a need and it is not met, we can come to believe that we are not loved by that person. For example, I had a client tell me about an interaction the other night. Her husband had given her some "early Valentine" flowers. He was showing he loved her. Later that night, they were watching a TV show, and she wanted to tell him about something emotional. Instead of listening, he stated he wanted to watch what was on TV. Naturally, she felt hurt. Her reaction was to throw the flowers out the door and into the cold night.

The symbolism is clear: the flowers meant he loved her, but when she didn't feel loved, she threw out the symbol. But his not meeting her need to be heard was not the same as him not loving her. He simply failed to address her needs at that point.

When we fail to remember this distinction, we translate our hurt feelings (and feelings are always hurt when a need is not met) into feeling unloved. While this may seem like an obvious jump, it is one I see over and over.

But it is indeed possible for someone to love me and not to meet my needs. Proof? I do it to other people all the time. My wife has needs that I miss; my kids have needs that I fail to address. But that does not mean that I don't love them. It merely means I am human, and I will sometimes fail to meet someone else's needs.

In our heads, we think of marriage as finding a beautiful/handsome, accepting, loving and nurturing person to love us, warts, failures, and all. In other words, we want someone to meet our needs perfectly, but can't do that ourselves. True love is working to meet the other person's needs, knowing that sometimes the other person will not meet our needs. Problems come when we decide to not meet our spouse's needs because our needs are not met.

Seek first to meet your spouse's needs, and understand when your spouse fails to meet yours.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Labels: marital advice, marital help, marriage advice, save marriage

My last post warned you about the "Big Relationship Talk." Bet you never imagined hearing a Relationship Coach or Therapist warn you about communicating!

Really, my warning was about hoping that big talk would iron out long-standing issues. The talk ends up being too "loaded" -- too many expectations, too much importance, and too much of the conversation has already happened in the head of one or the other.

Today, I am sending a warning out about taking that "romantic getaway" as a means of reconnecting and starting fresh. Again, you may be thinking, "why is this guy killing my romantic reconnection." I am all for that, but I also know that these "romantic getaways" are rife with potential disappointment.

Just like that big talk, both parties end up playing out the weekend, often in great detail (or fantasy) without being able to speak to these expectations. So, off you go, on the weekend trip, with huge expectations.

At the start of the trip, you may be disconnected, and expect to return connected. But when you leave disconnected, you end up trying to go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds. Possible, but neither likely nor comfortable.

Instead, postpone the trip for when you are feeling connected. Take small trips -- the coffee shop for a chat, the bookstore for a perusal, the movies, a walk around the neighborhood -- as a way to reconnect. Then, when you feel reconnected, spend your money on a romantic weekend that has a chance to live up to the fantasy in your head!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Labels: communication, marital advice, marital help, marriage advice, romantic getaway, romantic weekend, save marriage

New Year's Day has now passed. The frantic pace of the holidays is behind us. And life is beginning to return to normal. Perhaps you made some resolutions for the new year. Some may have been made in the rush of a New Year's Eve party.

Take a moment to think about resolutions you might want to make for your marriage. I think of resolutions as an opportunity to be intentional about things. Many make intentionality a magical, mystical transformation. But I see it much more simply. When you decide to be intentional, you work toward that goal.

For example, when I decided to write a book, I became intentional about it. I began to focus my life around that goal. When I had some time, I chose not to watch TV, read a book, or divert myself in some other way. Instead, I took the time to write my book. In that way, my intention of writing a book became an actuality. The intention led to action.

When you become intentional about making some changes in your marriage, you begin to reorganize your life around that resolution. This can lead to great changes.

But when you consider the resolutions, don't aim for too many shifts. Aim for 1, 2 and no more than 3 items to focus your attention upon. Make sure they are items you can accomplish and act upon. But don't start with large items.

Small shifts can lead to bigger shifts. It is the ripple effect, like throwing a rock into a pond. Several years back, I found myself out of shape and feeling bad. I made a decision to jog a little. When I did that, the ripples began. When I chose to eat, I was a little more careful, not wanting to ruin my jogging effort. As I ate better, I became aware of how many soft drinks I was drinking, and I cut back on that. Then, I realized how much caffeine I was drinking, so I changed that. By then, I was up to running more. The ripple effect continued. Last year, I ran a trail marathon, all the ripple effect of jogging a little!

So, make a resolution to change your marriage. Become intentional about making your marriage better, and find 1 to 3 specific items you can do to make a difference, then put your mind to it!


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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Labels: marital advice, marital help, marriage advice, new years, relationship advice, resolutions, save marriage