Connection is the lifeblood of marriage.  In fact, we are wired for deep connection.  And while the connection works best within the marriage relationship, it is not singular.

Many couples find connection in only one or two areas, missing that second or third layer of connecting.  Often, over time, this begins to eat away at the connection a couple shares.

Disconnection tends to breed disconnection.  When there are areas missing, they begin to chip away at the other areas.

But connection tends to breed connection.  As you work to reconnect, and as you focus on all three layers, there is a multiplying effect.  Connection deepens and broadens, leading to more and more connection.

Listen to this week’s podcast to discover the 3 Layers of Connection.

RELATED RESOURCES
Save The Marriage System
Why Connection Matters
The Pause Button Marriage
My Books

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“How hard is it to save my marriage?” the email started.  The writer wanted my opinion on whether my System would work. There was a problem, though.  The problem was… I had no details about her marital problems.  I didn’t know what she was facing.

When I was a kid, the rubik’s cube came out.  There was this book that promised to solve the cube, no matter how bad the cube was arranged.  I just kept trying to turn and twist the cube to find a solution.  My neighbor friend got the book.  My neighbor followed the guide.  And that cube was, sure enough, solved.  Mixed up cube, follow the solution, solved cube.  Easy-peesy.

Let’s just say that your marriage is NOT like that rubik’s cube.  There are some reasons why your efforts might be harder (or easier) than someone else’s.  In fact, there are 3 major complicators to saving your marriage.

Before jumping in to save your marriage, you want to be clear about the complicators — the obstacles — on your path.  They make a difference in what you do, how you do it, and how much effort is required.

Listen below to find out how steep your climb is, due to the 3 obstacles.

RELATED RESOURCES
How Bad is it?
Should You Give Up?
Can It Be Saved?
Grab the Save The Marriage System
Get Tools for the Climb

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Can you save your marriage??

That is, to be honest, probably the biggest “speed bump” for someone who wants to save their marriage.

They wonder if it is even possible to save their marriage.  And that fact keeps them from taking action.

Or to be more direct, may be what is keeping you from taking action.

Many people have said that if I could guarantee that they could save their marriage, they would get started.

I have often pointed out that NOT trying pretty much guarantees it can’t be saved.  But I don’t have a crystal ball… or even a Magic 8 Ball that will tell me whether it can/can’t be saved. And so, far too often, they don’t take action.

And their marriage fails.

But what if there were a way to get clarity… to get more understanding of what might be involved in saving your marriage?  What if there was some GPS that could give you direction on the possibilities and what is involved.

Well, there is.  And I discuss it on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

I’ve created a new assessment, called The Growth GPS Assessment.  You can grab it for just a dollar.  GO HERE to take advantage of the offer… and gain clarity.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Save The Marriage System
The Growth GPS Assessment

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Your spouse thinks it’s hopeless.  You may even be wondering that, too.  But is it?  Is it hopeless?

Or is the problem that your spouse is hopeless — not the situation?

Let’s be honest:  if you give up hope, it may become a hopeless situation.

Sometimes, having hope is not based on seeing the way.  We find the way because we hold onto hope.

In one of my books, Beyond the 3 Barriers, I note that one barrier for your spouse is hopelessness.  I also note that one way to move beyond your spouse’s barriers is by having hope.  Holding onto hope.  Maintaining hope while waiting for space to make a shift.

Hope has 3 core components… all within your control and choice.  But you do need to know the components in order to choose.  When you do, you choose hope.

Remember that hope is not about waiting for a spouse to hope… or even to shift.  It comes from within you, a choice you make.  Hang on to hope!

Listen to the podcast episode below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Beyond The 3 Barriers Book
Hope vs. Hopelessness Episode
Staying Stuck in the Negative Episode
3rd Biggest Mistake People Make Episode
Save The Marriage System
The Hope System Guide

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Are your efforts to save your marriage getting stalled?  Maybe we should take a look at your plan.

You do have a plan, don’t you?

Let’s talk about 5 reasons your plan (or lack of plan) may be the trouble — and what we can do to make a switch.

To be crystal clear, all 5 reasons are in your control.  YOU can choose how you move forward in each of these issues.  You may not have control over your spouse’s reaction, but you do have choices in your planning and execution of your plan.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Points of Failure
Your Reasons Why
How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps
The Save The Marriage System
Save The Marriage Toolkit

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Every marriage crisis starts as a crisis of an individual.  As it expands into the marriage, the question is whether you, the spouse, will get pulled under by the crisis.

Have you ever tried to save a drowning person?

This can be kind of like that.  Get too close, and they will drag you under with them.  Their desperation will overcome any sensible decision.  Running purely on terror, they will flail, grab, and pull at anything that is nearby… and anyone.

And when someone is in crisis, it can certainly feel like drowning… even with no water (other than tears).  The desperation is there.  The flailing is there.  And if you aren’t careful, you can get pulled under.

One person in crisis is enough.  Two people multiples the complications and difficulties in recovering the relationship.

Don’t allow yourself to get pulled under.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss 4 rules to keep from getting pulled under.

RELATED RESOURCES
Your Spouse Is Not The Enemy
Conflict In Marriage
Control What You Can
Save The Marriage System
What To Do When You Are Trying Alone

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What makes a marriage work?

What makes a marriage GREAT?

Maybe you are trying to save your marriage, and aren’t sure if that even matters.  Maybe you are trying to aim your marriage in a better direction, and aren’t sure what that even looks like.  Or maybe you are considering getting married, but aren’t sure if you have what it takes.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I’ll give you the 5 core ingredients to have a great marriage.  I’ll tell you what they are, and how to get them.  Then, if you have special garnishes and additions, great!

Problem is, many people think the extra additions are the core ingredients!  And when that doesn’t work, they think they just don’t have what it takes.  Turns out, they were just trying to make a recipe with the wrong ingredients.  No wonder it doesn’t work out!

After over three decades of focusing on relationships and marriage, the five core ingredients stand out, time after time.  So, let’s make clear what they are, how to get them, and how that makes a difference.

RELATED RESOURCES:
Save The Marriage System
Save The Marriage Toolkit
Why Connection Matters
Does Communication Matter?

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The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response:

You Don’t!

(Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!)

Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (although the stats would not support this as the preferred action). If there is a problem, time to head to therapy! First task: get a spouse there. By pressure, if necessary.

I think there is a (false) belief that if you can just get them there, the therapist will work some magic and convince the spouse to work on the marriage. The therapist won’t/can’t. And your spouse won’t. Fail/fail.

But why?

There are some Therapy Traps that you fall into when you try to drag a spouse into therapy (I cover the Traps in the podcast episode below). And in the process, you actually cause further entrenchment on the part of your spouse that things won’t work out. Yep, it makes things worse.

I explain why in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
Therapy Problems
Can You Save It Alone?
Can Your Marriage Even Be Saved?
Book:  Beyond the 3 Barriers
Program:  Save The Marriage System
Toolkit:  When You Are Working Alone

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Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis.  But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn’t so helpful.

Let’s backtrack just a minute.  What is Crisis Clarity?

Just for a moment, let’s assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage.  Maybe you asked about it.  Or perhaps you just hoped for the best — that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track.

Then suddenly, the crisis emerges.  You learn about an affair.  Your spouse gives you the “love you, not in love with you” speech.  Your spouse wants to separate.  You get divorce papers.  Or… fill in the blank ____________.

It is no longer a theoretical problem.

It is a full-blown crisis!

And that crisis gets your attention.  Your FULL attention.

That is Crisis Clarity.

Yes, it can be helpful.  And it can also be harmful.

How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity?  I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES
The Pause Button Marriage
Why Connection Matters
Having a Plan
No Contact is Crap
Grab the System
Grab The Repair Checklist

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I can’t count how many times a couple has come to me for “help with our communication skills.”  Funny thing is, they communicate just fine.

Then why are they stuck in conflict?  Why are they disconnected?  Why does it seem like they aren’t on the same team?

Viewpoints.  About each other and about the situation that caused the conflict.

And because they have decided to prove their viewpoint to their spouse.  That is very dangerous.  Rarely is it successful, but always is it damaging.

There are 2 underlying issues that affect this:  being a WE and being connected.  How strong is your sense of WE, and how connected are you?  When you don’t feel like you are on the same team and/or are feeling disconnected, it is far harder to communicate about the differences in perception.  More than that, you are unlikely to prove your connection to your spouse… especially when disconnected, but almost always.

How do you solve it?

We discuss what to do in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

RELATED RESOURCES
3 Dimensions of Connection
All About Being A WE
Role of Conflict
Healing Disconnection
Save The Marriage System
Tools for Saving Your Marriage

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