Does your brain help or hinder your efforts to save your marriage?

If you are like most people, your brain is actually a barrier in your efforts.  It keeps you stuck in old, unhelpful patterns.  And some of those pre-date even your marriage.

Unfortunately, most people just don’t have an “owner’s manual” for their brain… and how it is running.  Which is too bad.  We could all use some upgrades and some rewiring.  Which is the good news.  Our brain IS capable of rewiring.  We ARE capable of growing, changing, and evolving.

Which is why I wanted to have John Assaraf on my podcast.  John is a student of neuroscience, which he brings into his work as a coach and trainer.  He is also the author of a number of books.  And he is a darn good communicator about his ideas.

These ideas are what I want you to take away.  They help you to find better ways of being, of thinking, and of relating.  Listen below to my interview with John.

RELATED RESOURCES
John’s Website (with free ebook for you)
Innercise (check out the app)
STM Podcast:  4 Fears That Halt Your Efforts
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo?  That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things?  Is it a spouse who has you stuck there?

Well, that was the situation for “J.”  He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away.

He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to work on the relationship.

What should he do??

I respond to J’s question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  And it may just be where you find yourself, too.  Not able to move forward, but not ready to walk away.

How do you deal with “Limbo”?  We discuss it.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:
3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage
3 A’s in Your Control
3 Levels of Connection
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Maybe you have heard these lines:

• “Love should just happen.”
• “This is just too much work.”
• “I’m not feeling it, so it must not be true love.”
• “I just don’t feel the attraction/excitement I used to feel.  Something is wrong.”

Have you ever been told something so many times that you begin to doubt yourself?  You begin to believe what the other person (an upset spouse, friends, family, etc.) says — even if it goes against what you (think you) believe.

Our notions about love are like that.  And unfortunately, those romanticized notions of love are what we grow up on.  We are fed them by movies, books, songs, and culture.

But Authentic Love is different.  It is not devoid of romance.  It is just not based on it.  Romanticized love is based on 4 unsustainable elements.  Authentic Love is based on 4 sustainable elements, and in your control.

“I’m not feeling it” is not a reason to end a marriage.  It is a reason to reconsider the working definition of love.

Don’t be sucked in by the view of love in the movies, in the books, in songs, and that others around you might have.  It is dangerous, and misguided.

(No, I am not against romance — unless it is used as the “litmus test” of a relationship.  Otherwise, it is great!)

Listen to the podcast below.

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST:
Interview with Bob Grant
The Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Let me say it here, in writing:  I am NOT opposed to marital therapy.  I am quite concerned, however, on how marital therapy happens now.  I am concerned about the effectiveness of marital therapy.  And I am concerned for people who blindly seek out marital therapy, expecting it to help.

If you don’t know it, my training and background is as a marriage and family therapist.  I spent years, and several degrees, preparing to be a marriage therapist.

And I was pretty disillusioned to see how ineffective marital therapy, overall, has been shown to be.  Statistics are about the bigger view, not the specific therapist with a specific couple.  But from the overall view, according to meta analysis of studies, about 75% of people who go to marital therapy still divorce.  Only around 10-15% report a positive help.

Now, you see my issues.  Why, if this is the primary way of helping a marriage, is it so ineffective?  Three reasons:  1) Therapist training, 2) Therapist orientation, 3) Client resistance.

Listen in to this podcast to understand the issues.  Then, you can make a better choice about whether therapy makes sense, how to find a good therapist, and how to make sure you and your spouse are truly ready for therapy.

(And if you aren’t, that doesn’t mean there is nothing you can do!  That is why I created the Save The Marriage System, and why we offer Relationship Coaching.)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Many times, I watch couples caught in a spiral of accusations, each convinced of maliciousness on the part of their spouse.  But I don’t think that is actually it.

In fact, many times, both people in front of me seem to be hurting, but not malicious.

Which is why it seems so clear to me that maliciousness is not (usually) the issue.

I have that “usually” in there, because there are abusive relationships… in which case, someone is actually malicious (and that marriage should not be saved, at least at that time).

You may be familiar with Occam’s Razor.  Well, there are other “razors.”  For example, Hanlon’s Razor states, “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.”  Which has led me to Baucom’s Razor:  “No need to attribute to malice what is actually the result of neglect.”

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss how we get to this point of neglect, why it is so detrimental, and why it matters that you see Baucom’s Razor in process.  And of course, all of that is aimed to help you reverse the damage and save your marriage.

RELATED RESOURCES
Why Connection Matters
The Pause Button to Avoid
The Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Just to be clear, I am ALL FOR forgiveness.  I have talked about on the Save The Marriage Podcast and on my Thriveology Podcast.

And in a marriage, there are ample opportunities to practice forgiving.  “Every-day forgiving” and big-time forgiving.  In such an intimate relationship, you are going to step on toes, hurt each other’s feelings, make bad decisions — and still have to figure out how to move forward.  You do that by forgiving.

BUT (and this is a big BUT, which is why I capitalized it and bolded it) that does not mean the “forgiven” has carte blanche to keep up the behavior that required the forgiving. (By the way, not to chase a tangent, but did you know that carte blanche means “white card” or “blank card,” meaning a check that is blank, but has been signed?  In other words, a “blank check.”)

When someone is forgiven, it is not permission to do “it” (whatever the “it” is that causes the need for forgiveness).  Forgiving is a decision to move forward.  It may or may not include moving forward in relationship.  But it is deciding to move forward in the face of something that happened.

There is a saying that “the first time is a mistake, the second time is a choice.” I would add, “the third time, on, it is a habit.”  Forgiving something is not an open opportunity to repeat the behavior.

Similarly, an apology is not an opportunity to repeat the behavior.  It is an acknowledgement of a mistake and an opportunity for change.

One apologizes AND takes the opportunity to change (I have a podcast on apologizing).  One forgives, SO THAT the hurt and pain can be left behind.

Listen to the podcast below for more.

(. . . and if you need to catch up on the Immutable Laws Of Marriage series, here are the older episodes:)

Immutable Laws Of Marriage Series
#1 Marriage Is About Becoming A WE
#2 Marriage Is NOT A Vehicle for Happiness (Or Misery)
#3 We ALL Have Fear
#4 There Is NO Pause
#5 Connection Is The Lifeblood
#6 The Goal Of Conflict Is Progress
#7 Love Is What You Do
#8 Look For The Best In Your Spouse
#9 You Have To Show Up
#10 Civility and Respect Is A Choice
#11 Trust Is A Gift

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

I used to notice how often an engaged couple would become so focused on getting married — the wedding — that they had a hard time focusing on what the process of being married would be.

The reason this concerned me is because I know what happens next. And unless they make a shift, their marriage will hit a disconnect event, a moment of hurt.

At the other end… when a marriage is hurting and in trouble, I watch as people once again focus on an event or a moment.  Perhaps it was that moment when a spouse says, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”  Or perhaps it is an event, like separation or even divorce.

Those events and moments hurt.  But they provide no path back to a loving and connected marriage.  To get there, you need to focus on something else, not the moment or the event.

Let’s talk about where to shift your focus, and where, so that you can restore your marriage.

RELATED RESOURCES:
The Save The Marriage System
The Importance of Connection
3C’s of Restoring
Dangers of The Pause Button

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

There are lots of mistakes people make in their efforts to save their marriage.   This particular mistake is what I consider to be the 3rd biggest.  I hear it in the questions people send me every single week.

In fact, I hear this mistake probably 3 or more times each day.  And here is the sad thing:  the mistake is made with all the best of intentions. . . and all the worst of results.

Like all mistakes, it is avoidable.  (If something is unavoidable, it can’t be a mistake; a mistake always has an alternative that could avoid the mistake.)

I am betting you have made this mistake.  (I have.)  My hope is that, once I point it out, it will be so obvious that you will not repeat it.

RELATED RESOURCES:
3 Problems With Marital Therapy
Avoid The 3 A’s
Separation:  Will It Help?
Why Your Spouse Doesn’t Believe You Will Change
“I’ve Changed” and 3 Other Things NOT To Say
Grab the Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it.  Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game.  Or even a trick for a better pancake.  A hint for a better pushup.

But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage.

Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick.  Nothing wrong with asking.  But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick.  You need an approach.  You need a system.”

But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point.  Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks.  And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis.

When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before.

And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage.

In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT.  We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward.

Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis.

RELATED RESOURCES
Connection is Vital
You Need a Plan
3 C Approach
3 Levels of Connection
Save The Marriage System

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

I know it hurts.  And I know that the pain, the anger, and the frustration can get you to act in ways that are not helpful.

Lots of people are not sure about what TO do (which is why I created the Save The Marriage System). But they may be less clear on what they should STOP doing.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you about 5 very common, very unhelpful, things I see people do when they are trying to save their marriage.

And unfortunately, they get the exact opposite of what they want.  They want to have a spouse want to work on things, pivot away from separation or divorce, and return to the marriage.  Instead, they get distance and a hardened belief that there is no other option than ending things.

Which is why you DON’T want to fall into any of these 5 traps.

Oh, and I will also let you in on 3 things you should be doing (none requires your spouse to participate — at the beginning).

RELATED RESOURCES:
The Save The Marriage System
Why Connection Matters
The No Contact Rule Crap
Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS